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captainsblogBefore I get to the main point of this entry, I need to navigate around a rather large elephant in the room.
When I reported my friend Lois's death week before last, and the profound sadness it brought to us in this home and our church home, I did not get into the down and dirty of the deceased's sexual politics.
For the entire time I knew her, Lois lived with one of our ministers. One of our female ministers. At the memorial service, Gail was referred to as having been her "soulmate" for 35 years, and Gail's father and kids (she'd previously been married, as had Lois) as her "family of choice."
Thus, the lurid question of the day is, "well, were they or weren't they?"
The short answer, I think the only answer, is I Don't Know And I Don't Care.
I only visited them at home once- a few months back, when the church had finally come to realize my Mad Puter Skillz, and Gail's laptop had ceased connecting to the internet. I had to meet a client near their townhouse that day anyway, so I offered to stop by and fiddle with it. (It was a successful fiddle- her particular model had a hidden-on-the-keyboard on/off switch for the wi-fi to be toggled, which one of their new kittens, or a heavy-fingered fellow helper, had invisibly managed to turn off.)
Their lives at that time were so full of EVERYTHING- ministry projects and travel plans and, oh, did I mention two new kittens?- that I didn't even bother to notice whether there was one bedroom or two in the house.
It just didn't matter to anyone other than the two of them. Had they been the type to put denominational politics before the needs of the denomination, there would have been all kinds of unpleasant Protestant shit about it. Newspaper headlines. A church trial for violating some Book of Discipline edict. A necessarily negative verdict which would have yanked one of them from our pulpit and the other, on her own pure principle, from our choir loft. They'd have rejoined the more tolerant UCC, where Gail had originally been ordained; or become Unitarians; or started their own nondenominational ministry. In any of those scenarios, they would have spent much of the past few years serving political principle instead of serving God with all their hearts, souls, minds and strengths (though the fractional effort would've still been amazing).
Or not.
They could be two old-friend divorcees who just enjoyed each others' company in a don't-ask-don't-tell-and-for-crysake-don't-touch kind of way.
The point is that it never mattered. Not to even the stuck-up codgers of our Veddy Suburban House of Worship. Certainly not to me. And if God cared, it was probably caring even more for them on account of their not choosing to turn their love into a public morals fight.
Some of you may think me naive, or homophobic, or encouraging of closeted lifestyles for feeling this way. All I know is, I am one of hundreds who got the full blessing of their ministries- and hopefully will still share in the remainder of one of them- because they lived their lives this way.
----
All of the above resounded again today when we heard that Gail suffered yet another untimely loss after the tragedy of the previous week: her own brother died last week. A Sunday before, she was back to work- lessened, but I'll take 70 percent of Gail over 110% of most people- but this development was the final blow to her own fragility right now. She asked for and was granted a four-week leave, and a pinch-hit pastor will be joining us for a few hours every week to pick up some of those missing pieces.
If you're the praying type, please join with me. If you're the judging type, judge me rather than them. I'll keep you busy wayyyy longer.
When I reported my friend Lois's death week before last, and the profound sadness it brought to us in this home and our church home, I did not get into the down and dirty of the deceased's sexual politics.
For the entire time I knew her, Lois lived with one of our ministers. One of our female ministers. At the memorial service, Gail was referred to as having been her "soulmate" for 35 years, and Gail's father and kids (she'd previously been married, as had Lois) as her "family of choice."
Thus, the lurid question of the day is, "well, were they or weren't they?"
The short answer, I think the only answer, is I Don't Know And I Don't Care.
I only visited them at home once- a few months back, when the church had finally come to realize my Mad Puter Skillz, and Gail's laptop had ceased connecting to the internet. I had to meet a client near their townhouse that day anyway, so I offered to stop by and fiddle with it. (It was a successful fiddle- her particular model had a hidden-on-the-keyboard on/off switch for the wi-fi to be toggled, which one of their new kittens, or a heavy-fingered fellow helper, had invisibly managed to turn off.)
Their lives at that time were so full of EVERYTHING- ministry projects and travel plans and, oh, did I mention two new kittens?- that I didn't even bother to notice whether there was one bedroom or two in the house.
It just didn't matter to anyone other than the two of them. Had they been the type to put denominational politics before the needs of the denomination, there would have been all kinds of unpleasant Protestant shit about it. Newspaper headlines. A church trial for violating some Book of Discipline edict. A necessarily negative verdict which would have yanked one of them from our pulpit and the other, on her own pure principle, from our choir loft. They'd have rejoined the more tolerant UCC, where Gail had originally been ordained; or become Unitarians; or started their own nondenominational ministry. In any of those scenarios, they would have spent much of the past few years serving political principle instead of serving God with all their hearts, souls, minds and strengths (though the fractional effort would've still been amazing).
Or not.
They could be two old-friend divorcees who just enjoyed each others' company in a don't-ask-don't-tell-and-for-crysake-don't-touch kind of way.
The point is that it never mattered. Not to even the stuck-up codgers of our Veddy Suburban House of Worship. Certainly not to me. And if God cared, it was probably caring even more for them on account of their not choosing to turn their love into a public morals fight.
Some of you may think me naive, or homophobic, or encouraging of closeted lifestyles for feeling this way. All I know is, I am one of hundreds who got the full blessing of their ministries- and hopefully will still share in the remainder of one of them- because they lived their lives this way.
----
All of the above resounded again today when we heard that Gail suffered yet another untimely loss after the tragedy of the previous week: her own brother died last week. A Sunday before, she was back to work- lessened, but I'll take 70 percent of Gail over 110% of most people- but this development was the final blow to her own fragility right now. She asked for and was granted a four-week leave, and a pinch-hit pastor will be joining us for a few hours every week to pick up some of those missing pieces.
If you're the praying type, please join with me. If you're the judging type, judge me rather than them. I'll keep you busy wayyyy longer.
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no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 09:05 pm (UTC)And personally, I think there are many people well served by those who do choose to turn their lives into the public fight - we'd not advance without people willing to upend their lives like that. But there are many others who are just as well served by doing what they will and quietly going about their business. I just hope that someday, we get to a point where it truly won't matter.
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Date: 2009-01-18 09:21 pm (UTC)That is to say, it's better to find love than to not, and no one else gets a vote. And, one way or another, good for them not to "clear up any misconceptions".
The poor woman. I don't pray, of course, but I'll add her to my Not-Praying List.
Why do people question "soulmate" and same Sex, anyway?
Date: 2009-01-19 01:34 am (UTC)Agape- Mean a Love, a higher, deeper Love. 1 cor. 13:1-13 talks about not having Agape, you know, what it means to God, He can't get full Glory u nless we exhibit it!
Now, the greeks thought Agape could only be shared between two men. Women weren't good enough to share in to...Agape was a higher, intellectual love.
However, Jesus, that Revolutionary! Told Martha to let Mary sit and learn with the men. Going against the greek style tradition. Jesus in that simple act said, Woman are valid creatures and can do anything that men can! Agape can be for them too.
--------
Now, to Gail and Lois, I don't judge them, I personally know two UMC Deaconesses, one is retired, they share a house, and they were accused of the " L" Word. Don't ask, Don't tell was the attitude of some the the UMW who were associated where they were located.
I Don't think they are...but, as one commentator stated, that's between them and God. These two deaconesses were a great part in my spiritual walk and process of deiscernment to become a local pastor for the UMC. They took me under their wings.
So what if these ladies share some sort of higher love, Agape. Agape is NOT Eros love. and two people of the same sex can share it.
Why is it that two men who "loaf" at the local garage, spitting , telling off color jokes, sharing and possibily crying with with other in tuff times- is called male bonding? and Not, a soulmate experience. which it really is.
Plus, I am/was a Xena Warrior Princess fan, I hated the "sub text crap" Xena and Gabby were not gay! Good Friends, men like to use their corrupt minds to imagine that women can't be "girlfriends" and share things without them placing sex in it.
When we are little girls we used the term best girlfriend to describe a best Girl-friend. It was innocent! Now, people raise an eyebrow if a 20 something says it! Sheesh!
I had a race and gender class at Concord College, a while back, we read excerpts of women's letters to one another in the old west days. To our modern ear, they sounded like lesbians. But, they weren't the flowery language in the poetic letters were awesome. These ladies were childhood friends like Ann of Green Gables and her Bosum Friend! Not a sexual one.Just a deep friendship.
We need to take back our language...GAY - means HAPPY!
*rant over*
Rant part 2, LOL
Date: 2009-01-19 01:48 am (UTC)When she was younger, she married, the man was an alcoholic. He beat her, the kids, and wouldn't support her. They divorced.
She came back to town. Her classmate and best friend, a lady, well, she moved in with. The divorced lady had 3 girls to raise. It was the 1950's. When Women had to have a husband! Of Course, rumors flew about them. In the lady's own family. Now, these ladies were not the L word. Even though some, thought they were. These people did not really get close enough to know, they liked to wag their tongues.
Sometimes, a best friend, is closer that a Mother or sister! And the time this happened to the mother with 3 girls to raise, the 1950's! Sheesh.
I came to know this Lady that helped a Friend/sister. She was the most giving/caring lady. She was a talented musical lady. She hadn't married, but God brought her a family!
People just like to hear themselves talk. In fact, I preached the Helper Lady's funeral just this summer. I was shocked to hear even, from people that know them. One lady even has been on an Emmaus Walk, she made a comment that I had a homosexual as a member. I was no way. I had several Bible Study sessions we all talked about Homosexuality being an abomination. And This lady concurred. Sometimes, people like to point fingers at what they think is going one when they NO CLUE!
Sorry to rant again. But, people need to grow up and be like you captainsblog. Don't ask, Don't tell...Live and Let Live...tend to your own splinter in your own eye!
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Date: 2009-01-19 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-19 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-19 03:06 pm (UTC)