Skoal!

[captainsblog]

I only offer up a toast after a perfectly sober Monday because you can win a bar bet or two knowing that today is, in fact, a bunch of total fakery. Give people a choice like this:

Which of these is not, technically, a legal United States government holiday?
- Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr.
- President's Day
- Thanksgiving Day
- Christmas Day

and you'll usually wind up drinking for free. Today's holiday is, and always has been, Washington's Birthday, even though by a late 1960s Congressional proclamation it has been designated to fall on a day that never was Washington's Birthday by either pre- or post-Gregorian calendaring.  As Hendrik Hertzberg splains in this week's New Yorker (oh, go on, I haven't bothered you about them for awhile):

Ever since 1968, when, in one of the last gasps of Great Society reformism, holidays were rejiggered to create more three-day weekends, federal law has decreed the third Monday in February to be Washington’s Birthday. And Presidents’/’s/s Day? According to Prologue, the magazine of the National Archives, it was a local department-store promotion that went national when retailers discovered that, mysteriously, generic Presidents clear more inventory than particular ones, even the Father of His Country. Now everybody thinks it’s official, but it’s not. (Note to Fox News: could be a War on Washington’s Birthday angle here, similar to the War on Christmas. Over to you, Bill.)

Just to add to the Presidential confusion, Washington’s Birthday is not Washington’s birthday. George Washington was born either on February 11, 1731 (according to the old-style Julian calendar, still in use at the time), or on February 22, 1732 (according to the Gregorian calendar, adopted in 1752 throughout the British Empire). Under no circumstances, therefore, can Washington’s birthday fall on Washington’s Birthday, a.k.a. Presidents Day, which, being the third Monday of the month, can occur only between the 15th and the 21st. Lincoln’s birthday, February 12th, doesn’t make it through the Presidents Day window, either. Nor do the natal days of our other two February Presidents, William Henry Harrison (born on the 6th) and Ronald Reagan (the 9th). A fine mess!

So those signs you saw in the banks which wouldn't let you cash your check today because of Presidents Day? Lies. Soon as they reopen, I'm demanding my cash back in the new Nixon-portraited commemorative three-dollar bills.

----

As long as I'm dispensing information, here, for the hundreds of people who cared, are the remaining answers to the What Poem Was That meme from last week. The source which collected all of these, kews and ayes, was one of my favorite old sources for trivia questions when I ran games on AOL: the Williams College semiannual trivia contest, which broadcasts questions throughout the night on the college radio station, accompanied by music which hints at the answers. Some of their recent events haven't been chronicled, but last month's contest was, which produced the Odd Fact about Handel and Hendrix mentioned here later in the week last week. The poems, however, were all from the December 1994 contest, which had somehow escaped me all the other times I stole from it.





IMAGESrevmary, um, sortof
Dark and lonely is the savage night
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
Watchdog barking-- do he bite?
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
Open he window, break he neck
Then his house I start to wreck
Got no reason-- what the heck!
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
C-I-L-L my landlord.

Eddie Murphy as Tyrone Green, Saturday Night Live

----

TO WHOM IT CONCERNSbaseballchica03
To whom it concerns
Darlene's work will be late
It fell on her pancakes
And stuck to her plate

To whom it concerns
My mom made me write this
But I'm just a kid
So how can I fight this?

To whom it concerns
I lost my assignment
Maybe I'll get lucky
In solitary confinement

To whom it concerns
Darlene's great with a ball
But guys don't watch tomboys
When they're cruising the hall

To whom it concerns
I just turned 13
Too short to be quarterback
Too plain to be queen

To whom it concerns
I am not made of steel
When I get blindsided
My pain is quite real

I don't mean to squawk
But it really burns
I just thought I'd mention it
To whom it concerns

Darlene Conner, Roseanne

----

HAIKUsturgeonslawyer, heh heh
that was cool, huh, huh
when we killed that frog, huh, huh
it won't croak again.

Beavis and Butthead, heh heh

----

**THE BEAST WITHINbaseballchica03, who, if that IS the right answer, really ought to be ashamed to admit knowing it
Hello again to all my friends
I'm glad you came to play
Our fun and learning never ends
Here's what we did today!

Barney, Barney and Friends

----

**THE ESSENCE OF PUREBREAD (Elegy For A Dying Utopia)sturgeonslawyer, who's right about the spelling, too
When Polly's in trouble
I am not slow
It's hip-hip-hip,
And away I go!

Underdog, Underdog

----

I CARE
When hooters are around,
And the wife cannot be found,
--I care.
When a Mustang engine purrs,
And the bathroom is not hers,
--I care.
When the pitcher's on the mound,
And the wife is underground,
--I care.
But when I've been playing this for days,
I will kill anyone who stays,
--I swear!

Al Bundy, Married....With Children

----

**DAMNABLE FLEAS
Mary had a little lamb
My dog has fleas
Mairzy doats and doazy doats
And I'll be home for Christmas
Your loving son,
Queen Victoria

Colonel Flagg, M*A*S*H

----

**PANTSsturgeonslawyer
A little song,
A little dance,
A little seltzer down your pants.

Chuckles the Clown, The Mary Tyler Moore Show

----

**WOO
Roses are red
And how do you do.
Four drinks of this,
And woo-woo-woo-WOO!

Curly Howard, The Three Stooges

----

THIS PLANET WARM AND HUMAN
Mia.
Now Mia's been a very popular
Name in the newspapers lately, Murcer.
I mean.

That took the headline.
Unbelievable!
Only in New York
Would it take the headlines away.
Yeah.

Unbelievable.
Terrible.
Terrible what's happening in that situation
And with all that going on down in Florida.
Boy.

They're still showing those pictures on TV
Of the damage down in Florida.
By the way,
Are we going to Florida today, Moore?
O, that's in for a base hit!
Two runs will score!
No they won't.

Phil Rizzuto, from a Yankee telecast, but the title provided by Hart Seely in his 1993 compilation of Scooterness, Oh Holy Cow!

----

ODE TO SPOTsturgeonslawyer
Felis cattus is your taxonomic nomenclature
An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature

Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses

I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations
A singular development of cat communications

That obviates your basic hedonistic predilections
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection

A tail is quiteessential for your acrobatic talents
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counter-balance

And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion

Oh, Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.

And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

Data, Star Trek TNG

----

**THE HEART IS A HUNGRY APE
I got your note
Here's one from me
I still like you
Do you still like me?
--Darla
P.S. Butch is a DOPE

Darla, The Little Rascals

----

**IMMUTABLE ANGST
Miriam, Miriam
Come into my solarium.

Felix Unger, The Odd Couple

----

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS OF AGONY
i. Misha the dog lies dead in the bog.
ii. The children mourn over the carcass. The mist chokes my heart Covers the mourners
iii. At least this year we eat.

Unspecified character, Cheers

----

CLOUDS
Cascading
Cascading water
A waterfall
Clouds
Lots of them
Light and puffy
You know.....clouds!
And flowers, covered with dew
And trees hanging over
And you and me, naked on a rock.

Louie DePalma, Taxi

----

**ELEGY WRITTEN UPON A WINDOWSILL
As he crept out into the stealthy night air,
Little did he realize that the fire escape was not there!

Ed Norton, The Honeymooners

----

**LOVEMANbaseballchica03I don't know the show, but the source says it's "Homer and Abraham Simpson," so I presume your reference is right.
H: What you got ta do
If you want a kiss
Is act real smooth
And go like [THIS].
A: ***Oh, I see***

So if I take your
advice
& make your pat en ted move
Then my chances for love
Will slightly improve.

H: (Now what's that rule?)
A: Play it cool.

H(omer) and A(braham), The Simpsons

----

**INTRUSION sturgeonslawyerOoh! Ooh! He got another one!
Up your nose
With a rubber hose.

Barbarino, Welcome Back Kotter

----

**THE PIXIE'S LAMENT
I am the Fairie Pixie....
Hark!
Come listen to my tale.
"Bain, Bain, go away.
Willis is in the clink to stay.
Kimberly's posing in the nude,
And Arnold's life will soon conclude."

The Fairie Pixie, MTV's Remote Control

----

**ANGRY YOUNG DANE
Ophelia: Hamlet, dear--
Your problem is clear.
Avenging thy father's death,
You seek to harm
Your uncle and mom--
But you're scaring me to death!
While I die, and sigh, and cry,
That love is everything,
You're content to try to touch
The conscience of a king.
Since the day when your dad met his fate,
You brood,
and you don't touch your food.
You hate your ma, mad at my pa.
You'll kill the king,
or some silly thing.
So Hamlet, Hamlet, do be a man.
Leave rotten enough alone.
From Ophelia, no one can steal ya--
You'll always be my own.
Leave the gravedigger scene,
If you know what I mean.
Danish pastry for two,
For me, for you.

Hamlet: In truth, Ophelia, you have said a mouthful.

Mary Ann and Gilligan, Gilligan's Island

----

**BOX
Postmarks are a lot more than bureaucratic hieroglyphs.
They're symbols of a sacred trust.
That package has been anointed and sealed.
Like King Tut's tomb, we open it at great personal risk.

Some people look at that box and see a box.
You know what I see?
The spice route to India!
The headwaters of the Nile!
The darkside of the moon!
Terra incognita!
I see Alaska, people!

Chris in the Morning, Northern Exposure

----

OZYMANDIUS
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said, "Six vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert
And on the pedestal these words appear--
"My name is Ozymandius, King of Ants!
Look on my feelers,termites, and despair!
I am the biggest ant you'll ever see.
The ants of old
Weren't half as bold
And big and fierce as me!"

Graham Chapman, Monty Python's Flying Circus

----

**CREEPY GIRLbaseballchica03 Tom Servo! Goooooooo!
C is for the feeling of uncertainty for not quite knowing what ethnic group you're from.
R is for the gifts you give me every time you smile.
The first E is for--uh, well, I don't really know--
But the second E is really a grammatical thing.
Because otherwise it would be "CREPY GIRL"
And where would that leave us?
The P is definitely not for platonic.
And Y?
Because I love you, My Creepy Girl.
Oh, what are you, Creepy Girl?
Are you French, Italian or one of those swarthy gypsy types?
Your accent suggests a romance language, but I can't be sure.
But we can definitely rule out a Germanic language.
But it's okay.
I'm a bot without a country,
And all I know is that I love you.

Tom Servo on MST3K

----

**COME FISH COME
Come fish come,
Come fish come.
Sam's at the gate
With a frosted cake.
Come fish come.
Fly away buzzard,
Fly away crow,
Way down South,where the winds don't blow.
Rub your nose
And give two winks,
And save us from the awful jinx.

Barney Fife, The Andy Griffith Show

----

** CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
Sticks and stones
May break my bones,
But you are one dumb Polack.

Archie Bunker, to Meathead, All in the Family

Comments

[headbanger118.livejournal.com]

I can't believe how Presidents Day snuck up on me. I don't even have my shopping done or my gifts wrapped!! And I've not even sent out my cards! What a slacker I am!

[baseballchica03.livejournal.com]

Actually, I got it wrong. I thought it was Romper Room. :-p But I will take the points anyway because you didn't know that my wrong answer was wrong. NYAH!

[sturgeonslawyer.livejournal.com]

Okay, I am officially embarassed not to have ID'd Jerome Horwitz.