Actual conversations with myself this morning.

Rather, with my relatives who use cell phones which are on my account and therefore display MY name, not theirs, on the caller ID.

Call the First, 7-something this morning:

Emily: Hi! I need pants!

Me: Humglmpf.... you WHA?

Em: I sit outside waiting for the bus. They're soaked through.

Me:  (starting to regain consciousness) Where ARE you?

Her: I'm on the bus. Don't worry- you can just drop them off to me.

Me: (now more conscious than she is) Drop them off WHERE? The main office? The locker room?

Her: Just call me when you get there. (PS: I've been told dozens of times NOT to call her at school because they make them turn them off on school grounds.)

Click.

Seconds later, Call the Second from Me The Third:

Emily: Forget about it, Dad, someone else has pants.

Me: (under my breath) WHY DOES SOMEONE ELSE HAVE EXTRA PANTS?

Click. Fall back down.

Even better, though, was the call I just got from me, um, Eleanor, who I'd asked to call from the OB-GYN after discussing her test results from two weeks ago- the ones which got me all panicked at the end of last week when they just left a message to call about them:

Eleanor: (in a happy voice) Normal!

Me: I'm sorry, but there's nobody here by that name.

Barum bum.

Top Ten Things Heard After Yesterday's Letterman Taping with Joaquin Phoenix:

10. "Somewhere in Crown Heights, a shul is missing its rabbi. And its idiot."

9. "Apparently, River didn't finish the last of the speedballs."

8. "Rupert has a new sandwich on the menu named after Joaquin- a thick slice of ham covered with beard shavings."

7. "Uma? Oprah! Ura? Asshole!"

6. "Sorry, NBC still owns the rights to 'Paul Schafer's Maniacal Laughter.' We have to call it 'the CBS Nitrous.'"

5. "Our next guest is here to promote his new product guaranteed to get chewing gum off the edge of any desk. Please welcome, Billy Mays!"

4. "It could have been worse, Dave. He could've jumped up on the desk and flashed you with his man-boobs."

3. "Figures. Tomorrow night, Leno's got Keanu Reeves coming on in an Amish suit singing selections from Tupac's last album."

2. "Four hours later, Connecticut state troopers arrested Phoenix and charged him with trying to break into Dave's house."

and the number one thing heard after Joaquin's meltdown:

1. The sound of movie theater cash registers going ka-ching! as millions of confused individuals buy tickets to this wacko's new movie!