New improved musical parody without a single word of LOLCAT:

It will help to know, though, that the musical adaptation of Legally Blonde includes an extended musical number titled "Gay or European." With the news of the recent outing of everyone's favorite headmaster (note to British schools: you might want to change that title to "principal" now), it was just a matter of time before somebody did the crossover.

At the insistence of one of the musical's most ardent fans, I. Am. That. Someone:

Hermione:
There! Right There!
Look at that beard! That delicate beard.
Look at the kindly twinkling eyes,
And how Snape and Draco fantasize.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.

Ron:
I think you’re being infantile.
His hair and smile would still beguile if he were just plain Europhile.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

All:
That is the hippogriff in the hall.
Is there admissible proof at all
That a man with a birdbath in his office
Prefers another man's bodily orifice?

Hermione:
But look at his gentle half-rim glasses.

Ginny:
Or those studs he sends up on Headmasters’ passes!

Ron:
Oh, get your heads out of your asses!
Look what we're seeing.

Ginny:
What are we seeing?

Ron:
Is he gay?

Ginny:
Of course he's gay.

Ron:
Or European?

All:
ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to read the leaves.
Is he gay or European?

Trelawney:
Don’t go looking in my tea.

Cho:
Clearly Percival and Kendra raised him in the Euro way.
Hanging out at the cafe.

All:
At the gym most every day!
But does that really make him gay?
For answers we’ll be howling
We had best accost Ms. Rowling
And find out for sure what she has got to say!

Ginny:
Oh please.

All:
Gay or European?
So many shades of beard.

Ron:
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.
The conclusion might be feared, even if this speculation now is weird!

All:
Is he gay or European?
or

Luna:
Wait! Just wait!
The way he’s fawned on Hermione?
That’s straight Lolita shit I see!
That's heterosexual, not butt-textual!
That guy's not gay, I say no way.

All:
That is the basilisk in the pipe
Can we presume from all this hype
That a grown man in a gown

Ginny:
Swings on his own side of town?

Ron:
Magically-faghag-ically

Cho:
Italiany-stalliony

Neville:
UnMuggle-ry-buggery

All:
GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
DAMMIT

Gay or European?

Ron:
Just the boy your mom would wish.

All:
Is he gay or European?

Ron:
Tempts with candies in his dish!

Cho:
He had a different childhood!
Had no father round the house-
Don’t make out like it’s a curse!

All:
He fancies Hagrid on a bike
Are bikers all he says he’d like?
I still can't solve the riddle.

Voldemort:
That one time, he tried to diddle….
[In the tradition of Tom Lehrer, I’d think I’d better leave out this next line to be on the safe side]

All:
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of phoenix.

Fudge:
Methinks he does spend too much time just crying in his Kleenex!

All:
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro-

Harry:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.

Ron:
The Great Hall is yours.

Harry:
So, Professor...
Before your heroic duel with Grindelwald, you last saw him...?

Dumbledore:
In this very room!

Harry:
And this very room is at...?

Dumbledore:
Harvard Law School.

Harry:
And you’d picked Harvard Law School because of its state’s historical significance to…?

Dumbledore:
Gay marriage!
Um, urrr, I meant the crucial role of Salem in muggle-magic relations in the 17th century, and,….
Shit.
 
Grindelwald:
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I’m not going to hide this one more second!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I have a big announcement.
This man is Gay and European!
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
No matter what he’d say.
I never once saw that wand swing the other way.
You powderpuff!
You ball of fluff!
You’ve got a House named Hufflepuff!

Dumbledore:
I’m not!

Grindelwald:
You were that “one last time”
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Grindelwald:
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Gindelwald:
He's gay!

VOICE OF GOD ROWLING:
And European and Gay!

Dumbledore:
Fine okay I'm gay!

All:
Hooray!

Rod and Nicky:
If you’re also gay, that’d be okay!

All:
What are YOU doing in our musical?

Forever Young

Forty years ago today, my oldest sister was married.



I was all of seven at the time, and though I did do a respectable job as ring-bearer at our church earlier in the day, I'd been packed off while the grownups did their picture-run and the couple's reception.  (Best I can recall, I was sent Home Alone at the age of seven, to a house full of gas-fired burners and matches and cigarettes. Things were different back then.)

Of the entourage actually in the photo, besides the bride and groom themselves, the only one I can recognize for sure is our other sister, on the bride's right.  There was a Sheila and a Pierre in there, as well, but I couldn't pick them out of a lineup if you paid or interrogated me.

That marriage lasted into its twenty-first year (same as ours is now in) until Sandy's sad passing a few weeks before her anniversary in 1988. It produced two wonderful daughters, a home that always felt home-like no matter how dysfunctional we managed to make it, usually a furry feline companion to hang out with (and on one famous Thanksgiving, to feed virtually an entire stuffed leftover turkey to), and plenty of love.

I think I've been in that house all of twice since my sister died. I'm still unbelievably fond of my brother-in-law and of the family he begat.  And to both of my sisters in this picture, both of whom, I'm quite sure, are reading this tonight, I can only say: Happy anniversary, Sandy.