The Ultimate Antidote to Testosterone

[captainsblog]

Apparently there's some football game going on today down south. People sound rather riled up about the whole business.

Let me help calm y'all down.

One of my fellow Met bloggers posted a link about the new baseball-only stadium that the Florida Miami Marlins will begin playing in next spring, after enduring roughly two decades of hell in a football factory alternately known as Joe Robbie Stadium, Dolphin Stadium, Dolphins Stadium, Landshark Stadium, Soilmaster Stadium and Underpants Park. None of those are made up. (Okay, I lied; the last two are. But only the last two.)

The venue is going to be about as un-football as you can get. It's souther than South Beach, yo. And the centerpiece of it all, it would appear, is the gizmo they've designed to rile the crowd when one of the Hometown Heroes hits a home run.

The Mets are largely responsible for this nonsense, having had a "Home Run Apple" for more than 30 years, originally a paper-mache red apple that came out a top hat, fancied up a bit when they moved to the new yard two years ago. Others have followed in these unfortunate footsteps, but none with as much panache as what will be inflicted on fans of The Fish next year:





From the website which announced this revolting development:

Behold. This is what will happen when the Marlins hit a home run. It's what Bernie Brewer thinks he's sliding down after a couple buttons of peyote. Don't avert your eyes. Look at it. Study it. This is what we've become.

If Carnival and Las Vegas had a baby, this would be the placenta. If Charlton Heston ever lands on Planet of the Fish, this will be their version of the "It's a Small World" ride. This is what would happen if Vikings attacked a Gloria Estefan concert by catapulting flamingos and marlins into the pyrotechnics display.

This is not a joke. It's completely real. The artist is Red Grooms, and according to MLB.com in 2009 ...

Grooms is designing a spectacular signature home run feature that will be in the center-field area. Originally from Nashville, Tenn., Grooms now lives in New York. His display will incorporate water, lasers, sound effects and caricatures of Marlins.

Sound effects. This thing will shriek, too. At the very least, it will make high-pitched shrieks that we can't hear, but the pod people can, and it will signal to them that it's okay to come down and feast on our skulls. But there's also a chance that it will make sounds we can hear, and that's even worse.




I pray, with the most fervent of prayers, that no Met pitcher ever serves up a home run ball in that park. Otherwise, I might be compelled to send Dexter out on a mission to kill Flipper.

Comments

[drbear.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think it goes back to the exploding scoreboard the White Sox put in back in 1960. I know Bernie Brewer has been doing his slide in Milwaukee since 74.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

I rarely saw Brew games from before their shift to the NL, so you are quite probably correct. Nothing this hideous, though; this is like a never ending Disco Demolition Night.

[thanatos-kalos.livejournal.com]

o_0

That is one of the most grotesque things I have ever seen.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

Think we could maybe get Lucas to talk them into the ultimate act of self-sacrifice?

"Darwin says good bye cruel world and thanks for all the fish."

[thanatos-kalos.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

[thediva-laments.livejournal.com]

You know, I was really, really, REALLY hoping that you were joking.

Alas, you are not.

I will stick with Fenway Park, thanks.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

Oh Good Lord.

The Nation would burn that thing to the ground, and probably half the zip code along with it.

[thediva-laments.livejournal.com]

That or we'd box it up and deliver it to the Yanks postage due.

[greenquotebook.livejournal.com]

That's pathetic. If you need to use gimmicks to rile the crowd up, consider it a sign that your team sucks.

How 'bout them Sabres? 4-2 over the Kings. Should have been 5-2 though. I think Kaleta was robbed.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

I was out at the end. With this D, the 3-goal lead seemed safer than it did in, oh, last year's playoffs.

The Sabres' gimmicks have been a lot more fan-friendly. Everyone from players to Pegula delivering the ducats to season ticket holders- a "slug jersey trade-in day" for people who got suckered into that marketing scheme. It's all good:)

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

Oh, and he's from Nashville. Lovely.

Would it be the UT/GA game you're referring to, by any chance? If so, Georgia is not beating us. The refs are. I'm one of the riled.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

Nah, more the Texas/OU Red River thingie that half the Flist was all gaga about.

Meanwhile, UB somehow managed to win a game against The Ohio Not State University, so we're kinda jacked here, too:)

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

Ohio Not State...so, just Ohio? :-) Good job!

And now I stand corrected. GA is actually beating us. Or maybe we're just beating ourselves.