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captainsblogI haven't posted this in a few years, and with the news about local cops stepping up traffic enforcement for the holiday, it seemed like a good time:
Buffalo Rules of Driving
------------------------
At a four way stop sign, wave to offer the right-of-way to other
cars. If you are waved at, wave back so they can take the
right-of-way instead. When they go, you go at the same time.
Left hand turns at traffic signals are to be made as soon as your
signal turns from yellow to red. Up to three cars may turn on a
"Buffalo left."
In Amherst, the most expensive vehicle always has the
right-of-way. In Buffalo, the vehicle with the most rust and/or body
damage has the right-of-way. In the Southtowns, the biggest truck has
the right-of-way.
Electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Buffalo look
high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Amherst police cars
parked in the median of the Youngmann Expressway.
Italian-American drivers must always be in front of you, no matter how
fast you are going, or how slow they are going. Watching two
Italian-American drivers compete for the point position along Hertel
Avenue adds to the excitement of driving in Buffalo.
Real Buffalonians have both a "summer car" and a "winter car."
All drivers and passengers are required to bow your head and make
the Sign of the Cross whenever you drive by a Catholic church. The
Virgin Mary will make sure that you don't get into an accident while
you take your eyes off the road. If you're not Catholic, well, when in
Rome ...
In Cheektowaga, look out for little old Polish ladies that can barely
see above the steering wheels of their Plymouth Reliants and Dodge
Aries. They absolutely must get to the daily mass or the bingo hall,
and the only thing slower than their driving speed is their reflex
time.
If you're a volunteer fireman, it's perfectly acceptable to flash your
light bar to go through red lights. After all, the keg of Genesee
Cream Ale down at the hall won't be there forever.
"Snow emergencies" mean that you can only drive 10 MPH above the speed
limit on the Kensington Expressway.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.
Do not proceed through an intersection, even if you have the green
light, until all cars on the cross street have slid on the ice through
intersection. During periods of heavy snow, wait at least 10 or 15
seconds after your signal turns green before proceeding.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
apparently not enforceable in the Buffalo area during rush hour, with
the exception of the Village of Kenmore, where the penalty for
speeding is death.
Your car must be equipped with at least two of the following: a bumper
sticker reading "Pray the Rosary," or "97 Rock;" anything related to
the Bills, rosary beads hanging from the mirror, an Infant of Jesus
doll in the back window; a crown air freshener; an after-market vinyl
roof; subwoofer that can be felt in Rochester; or rust.
South Buffalo. St. Patrick's Day. Don't even think of driving there
then.
It's a Buffalo traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes. If you're an Italian-American, don't
honk, but rather hang your head out the window of your Monte Carlo and
threaten the slowpoke by screaming "Yo!" at the top of your lungs.
Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
Buy a map, and memorize the relationship between expressway names and
their route numbers. Traffic reporters always use names, not route
numbers. Highway signs show route numbers, not names.
Real Buffalonians don't need a four wheel drive vehicle to drive in
the snow.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the jerks to squeeze their way back in before
hitting the orange construction barrels.
Save gasoline by accelerating to 10 MPH above the speed limit, then
decelerating to 10 MPH below.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are just God's way
of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards
and new vehicle sales.
Remember, Buffalo isn't called the "Twenty Minute City" for nothing.
Take advantage of that expressway system that was "built for a city of
two million people," and test the hypothesis whenever possible.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone just changing a tire.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that an Italian driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
The official litter zone is an area bounded by Main Street, Amherst
Street, Bailey Avenue and Broadway. Use this zone to empty your
ashtray, get rid of that Mighty taco bag, or discard old tires that
have been collecting in your garage.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Buffalo is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to NYSDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you
have of getting hit.
Anticipate your turn miles before the turn itself. Turn your
directionals on at least a mile before you actually turn, just to be
extra cautious. If you're a little old Polish lady from Cheektowaga,
leave your directionals on for at least ten minutes after you turn,
just to let other drivers know where you came from.
When driving in Canada, all rules are off. Pass on the right, the
left, the shoulder, the median, wherever. Treat metric speed limit
signs as if they're in English units -- everyone else does. If you
can't make it to Toronto in an hour and 15 minutes, either get your
car or your head examined.
----
We both had a nice chat with Em on the phone this afternoon. She's taking two art classes at NYSSSA- sculpture, which she hasn't done that much of and is loving, and a painting class. This week's assignment was to work in a white-on-black kind of medium, and here are the samples she sent of that work:
Eleanor posted a bunch of her other stories here. I can't believe the first of the four weeks is already past. It's gone so fast, and yet she's learned, and we think matured, so much in just that time.
----
Happy fourths. Or, if you're over the line into Sunday and/or drinking heavily, happy fifths;)
Buffalo Rules of Driving
------------------------
At a four way stop sign, wave to offer the right-of-way to other
cars. If you are waved at, wave back so they can take the
right-of-way instead. When they go, you go at the same time.
Left hand turns at traffic signals are to be made as soon as your
signal turns from yellow to red. Up to three cars may turn on a
"Buffalo left."
In Amherst, the most expensive vehicle always has the
right-of-way. In Buffalo, the vehicle with the most rust and/or body
damage has the right-of-way. In the Southtowns, the biggest truck has
the right-of-way.
Electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Buffalo look
high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Amherst police cars
parked in the median of the Youngmann Expressway.
Italian-American drivers must always be in front of you, no matter how
fast you are going, or how slow they are going. Watching two
Italian-American drivers compete for the point position along Hertel
Avenue adds to the excitement of driving in Buffalo.
Real Buffalonians have both a "summer car" and a "winter car."
All drivers and passengers are required to bow your head and make
the Sign of the Cross whenever you drive by a Catholic church. The
Virgin Mary will make sure that you don't get into an accident while
you take your eyes off the road. If you're not Catholic, well, when in
Rome ...
In Cheektowaga, look out for little old Polish ladies that can barely
see above the steering wheels of their Plymouth Reliants and Dodge
Aries. They absolutely must get to the daily mass or the bingo hall,
and the only thing slower than their driving speed is their reflex
time.
If you're a volunteer fireman, it's perfectly acceptable to flash your
light bar to go through red lights. After all, the keg of Genesee
Cream Ale down at the hall won't be there forever.
"Snow emergencies" mean that you can only drive 10 MPH above the speed
limit on the Kensington Expressway.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.
Do not proceed through an intersection, even if you have the green
light, until all cars on the cross street have slid on the ice through
intersection. During periods of heavy snow, wait at least 10 or 15
seconds after your signal turns green before proceeding.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
apparently not enforceable in the Buffalo area during rush hour, with
the exception of the Village of Kenmore, where the penalty for
speeding is death.
Your car must be equipped with at least two of the following: a bumper
sticker reading "Pray the Rosary," or "97 Rock;" anything related to
the Bills, rosary beads hanging from the mirror, an Infant of Jesus
doll in the back window; a crown air freshener; an after-market vinyl
roof; subwoofer that can be felt in Rochester; or rust.
South Buffalo. St. Patrick's Day. Don't even think of driving there
then.
It's a Buffalo traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes. If you're an Italian-American, don't
honk, but rather hang your head out the window of your Monte Carlo and
threaten the slowpoke by screaming "Yo!" at the top of your lungs.
Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
Buy a map, and memorize the relationship between expressway names and
their route numbers. Traffic reporters always use names, not route
numbers. Highway signs show route numbers, not names.
Real Buffalonians don't need a four wheel drive vehicle to drive in
the snow.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the jerks to squeeze their way back in before
hitting the orange construction barrels.
Save gasoline by accelerating to 10 MPH above the speed limit, then
decelerating to 10 MPH below.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are just God's way
of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards
and new vehicle sales.
Remember, Buffalo isn't called the "Twenty Minute City" for nothing.
Take advantage of that expressway system that was "built for a city of
two million people," and test the hypothesis whenever possible.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone just changing a tire.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that an Italian driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
The official litter zone is an area bounded by Main Street, Amherst
Street, Bailey Avenue and Broadway. Use this zone to empty your
ashtray, get rid of that Mighty taco bag, or discard old tires that
have been collecting in your garage.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Buffalo is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to NYSDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you
have of getting hit.
Anticipate your turn miles before the turn itself. Turn your
directionals on at least a mile before you actually turn, just to be
extra cautious. If you're a little old Polish lady from Cheektowaga,
leave your directionals on for at least ten minutes after you turn,
just to let other drivers know where you came from.
When driving in Canada, all rules are off. Pass on the right, the
left, the shoulder, the median, wherever. Treat metric speed limit
signs as if they're in English units -- everyone else does. If you
can't make it to Toronto in an hour and 15 minutes, either get your
car or your head examined.
----
We both had a nice chat with Em on the phone this afternoon. She's taking two art classes at NYSSSA- sculpture, which she hasn't done that much of and is loving, and a painting class. This week's assignment was to work in a white-on-black kind of medium, and here are the samples she sent of that work:
Eleanor posted a bunch of her other stories here. I can't believe the first of the four weeks is already past. It's gone so fast, and yet she's learned, and we think matured, so much in just that time.
----
Happy fourths. Or, if you're over the line into Sunday and/or drinking heavily, happy fifths;)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-07-04 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-06 08:40 pm (UTC)(We have an additional rule. If you're not the last car to run the red light, you didn't really run the red light.)
no subject
Date: 2009-07-06 09:13 pm (UTC)http://www.theparticle.com/fun/fun.php?topic=regional&id=2381
no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 06:27 pm (UTC)Remember -- arrive and survive. Everything else is superfluous.