Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead

[captainsblog]

*

Something's up. If this was an orchestrated move to prepare her for a Senate run or It Which Must Not Be Named in 2012, it would not have come out on the Friday news graveyard of all Friday news graveyards, on the day before July 4th.  Her chorus of Yes You Betcha Men would've all been on their talk shows talking it up and spinning it. 

No. This was pre-emptive, not premeditated.  The only question is, will the charges, or the cuckolding cutie, or whatever she's trying to bury, now come forward?

So far, anyway, this is the best list of alternative explanations I've seen:



1. She wants to start her own theme park: Sarahwood. The park will feature a rollercoaster with one giant free fall, and a helicopter ride that lets you shoot wolves from a safe distance.  Bring the camera for when you reach the top of the Ferris wheel; you can see Russia.

2. She accepted a new, secret mission.  And remember, Sarah declared that she was "wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we're on, that you can't blink."  So this new mission must not be the mission she accepted when she promised Alaska's voters to responsibly govern their state for four years.  There must be a more important mission that now requires her attention. Perhaps Ahmadinejad wants a VP?

3. She needs a break.  Remember that Sarah is a self-proclaimed "pit bull with lipstick," and pit bulls generally avoid confrontations and challenges.

4. She wants to spread Down syndrome.  When, earlier today, Sarah expressed a desire for more "Trigs" in the world, I could not have agreed more, because Down syndrome is just too cute to be reserved for 1 in 800 births.

5. She's tired of being in the media.  Sarah needs a break from the intense media spotlight that comes from governing one of the least populated states that sits several hundred miles from the continental US.

6. She wants to mourn Michael Jackson. Sarah's fond memories of learning the alphabet and her first few numbers from a famous Jackson 5 song left her very sad upon hearing the news of the King of Pop's untimely death.  If only she heard the song before 2003.

7. She wants to become SNL's new Tina Fey. If Sarah can transition into comedy, maybe she could run for Minnesota senator one day.

8. She seeks solidarity with the 25 million unemployed Americans. What better way to show commitment to improving your country's economic woes by abandoning the post for which you were elected to write a book about yourself?

9. She got knocked up by A-Rod.

10. She's tired of people using her children as a political prop.  In her speech, she complained of this very thing, and then went on to use this to justify her resignation, which is definitely not using her children as a prop.



^* Fake celebrity impersonator. Fake gun. Fake chesticles.

Comments

[whyaduck.livejournal.com]

Whatever it is, this pretty much kills 2012 (Yay!). You don't prove that you belong in the White House be taking your toys and going home halfway through your term.

But yeah, this was definitely pre-emptive. I think that somewhere in that rambly mess she mentioned spending more time with her family. That's pretty much guranteed scandal.

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

I figure if it's not a scandal, then she got offered a talk show.

[platypus]

Seriously, she thinks if she's not going to run again she may as well not do what the people elected her to do for the whole term she was elected for? She is a few bats short of a belfry.

[doubtful-salmon.livejournal.com]

You know, I, along with the rest of the internet, have been thinking about this a lot this weekend. If it were anyone but Sarah Palin, I would be inclined to agree that it's preemptive and that she did something wrong but we're not sure what it is (or how wrong it was) yet. Because that's kind of the way this thing works...you don't just up and resign one day unless you've done something very bad, or you are going through some kind of personal crisis, or you are offered a better opportunity. Or, option 4, which is, you are Sarah Palin, and it just probably seemed like a good idea at the time, until you got home that night and went, "WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO. OH MY GOD." $10 says that like a week from now she's gonna be like, "Oh man I can't believe you guys fell for it! Oh gosh! It's like the oldest trick in the book! Get out of my chair, fool!"