Wardrobe Malfunction
Mar. 3rd, 2009 08:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
captainsblogI went to the gym late (for me) this afternoon, planning it so I'd get out in time to go straight to my biweekly church class. Usually, I stay in workout clothes when I'm done, head straight home and soak my sorry ass here, but for the sake of the confirmands' olfactory glands, I brought a full change of clothes with me with plans to shower and change there before class.
This will be important later. First, though, I had to have a pratfall. Anyone could drop a dumbell on their foot, or trip on a banana peel in front of the juice bar, or just injure some stray body part. Not me, though:) I had to invent a new exercise- the 50 pound bicep curl with direct current electrocution! Here's how:
1) Stand in front of the weight stack with the curling bar securely held by both hands, shoulder width apart, elbows at sides, mp3 earbuds secured in both ears.
2) Curl the bar to your chest in a steady motion with elbows at sides as first right, then left, earbud begin to separate from ears.
3) Maintain proper form for 12-15 reps, despite the fact that both earbuds have fallen from ears by about the ninth, but it's Roy Blount Junior on Wait Wait this time and you don't want to dignify him with your time anyway after him being such an ass.
4) Watch in relative horror, as you lower the handle for the final time, as you realize that the headphone cord of your mp3 player has wrapped itself around the cable underlying the weight stack, becoming as one with it and consuming both earbuds in the process.
5) Realize that (a) there is no way you can raise the stack and fish the headphones out from under it with your two flimsy hands and (b) the "floor staff" is all downstairs hitting on the cute blondes on the treadmills.
6) Ask the gym rat to your left to "spot" you, hoping he will take this as a cue to hold the stack up as you do the fishing, but quickly accepting the reality that he will fish while you hold.
7) Watch, as your horror transcends into acceptance, while he proceeds to unentangle the headphones by ripping them out of the cable, destroying one of the two earbuds in the process.
8) Listen to the one side for the remainder of your workout, since, wtf, you can't hear out of your right ear for shit anyway.
----
Speaking of shit, as in being shat on by the gym gods, return with me to the locker room, where I gently deposited my change of civvies onto the bench in front of the lockers after returning from the shower. In the seconds it took for me to stow my wet towel and shampoo bottle, I turned around to discover that I had suddenly been rendered commando. My clean socks, shirt and jeans continued to await, but my tightie whities were nowhere to be seen.
And then, just as suddenly, were. On another gym member's ass.
This is one of the Gym Laws I have come to accept. If there were a billion billion lockers in that room, and I was one of only two people left on earth, that other person would STILL wind up using the one either directly next to, or as in this case directly opposite, the one I'd randomly chosen. He, naturally, had chosen not only that exact location but the exact dressing routine as I, and proceeded to grab- no, not THAT- but, just as bad, my own set of freshly washed drawers for his own use.
This, I could see, from the look of the waistband on him and from the inartfully placed pair of Not My Brand Jockey shorts still in his fucking locker.
I try, when possible, to learn and keep the ways of the Man Laws- not just the tacky beer ones, but the Talmudic interpretations involving places like queues, sporting arenas, and, yes, venues of full and partial nakedidity- particularly ones with indoor plumbing. I do not talk to the guy next to me, nor look upon him, nor do or say anything not involving staring at the wall. I do not talk on, look at or acknowledge the existence of my mobile phone. Yet until today, I never considered the need for legal guidance on the subject of What One Does When Some Guy Swipes Your Shorts.
I based my chosen path on the Methodist quadrilateral I would be studying with the kids this very night: scripture (nothing in the book of Ditka), tradition (never happened before), reason (what makes sense and will not involve either disease or violence) and experience (I did hear about a guy dropping an iPod in a toilet- similarly awwwkwarrrrrd). I settled the matter by advising him of his ill-gotten gain, helpfully pointing out where his own wardrobe accessory was located, turned my back completely as he made the change- and then discreetly dumped (hopefully not a poor choice of words) my own, recently clean, underclothes in my gym bag while putting my sweaty ones back on for the duration. I doubt I'll ever wear that other pair again, although I could use a rabbinical opinion as to whether I need to burn them, bury them, or both.
At least I didn't drop my earbuds into his crotch.
This will be important later. First, though, I had to have a pratfall. Anyone could drop a dumbell on their foot, or trip on a banana peel in front of the juice bar, or just injure some stray body part. Not me, though:) I had to invent a new exercise- the 50 pound bicep curl with direct current electrocution! Here's how:
1) Stand in front of the weight stack with the curling bar securely held by both hands, shoulder width apart, elbows at sides, mp3 earbuds secured in both ears.
2) Curl the bar to your chest in a steady motion with elbows at sides as first right, then left, earbud begin to separate from ears.
3) Maintain proper form for 12-15 reps, despite the fact that both earbuds have fallen from ears by about the ninth, but it's Roy Blount Junior on Wait Wait this time and you don't want to dignify him with your time anyway after him being such an ass.
4) Watch in relative horror, as you lower the handle for the final time, as you realize that the headphone cord of your mp3 player has wrapped itself around the cable underlying the weight stack, becoming as one with it and consuming both earbuds in the process.
5) Realize that (a) there is no way you can raise the stack and fish the headphones out from under it with your two flimsy hands and (b) the "floor staff" is all downstairs hitting on the cute blondes on the treadmills.
6) Ask the gym rat to your left to "spot" you, hoping he will take this as a cue to hold the stack up as you do the fishing, but quickly accepting the reality that he will fish while you hold.
7) Watch, as your horror transcends into acceptance, while he proceeds to unentangle the headphones by ripping them out of the cable, destroying one of the two earbuds in the process.
8) Listen to the one side for the remainder of your workout, since, wtf, you can't hear out of your right ear for shit anyway.
----
Speaking of shit, as in being shat on by the gym gods, return with me to the locker room, where I gently deposited my change of civvies onto the bench in front of the lockers after returning from the shower. In the seconds it took for me to stow my wet towel and shampoo bottle, I turned around to discover that I had suddenly been rendered commando. My clean socks, shirt and jeans continued to await, but my tightie whities were nowhere to be seen.
And then, just as suddenly, were. On another gym member's ass.
This is one of the Gym Laws I have come to accept. If there were a billion billion lockers in that room, and I was one of only two people left on earth, that other person would STILL wind up using the one either directly next to, or as in this case directly opposite, the one I'd randomly chosen. He, naturally, had chosen not only that exact location but the exact dressing routine as I, and proceeded to grab- no, not THAT- but, just as bad, my own set of freshly washed drawers for his own use.
This, I could see, from the look of the waistband on him and from the inartfully placed pair of Not My Brand Jockey shorts still in his fucking locker.
I try, when possible, to learn and keep the ways of the Man Laws- not just the tacky beer ones, but the Talmudic interpretations involving places like queues, sporting arenas, and, yes, venues of full and partial nakedidity- particularly ones with indoor plumbing. I do not talk to the guy next to me, nor look upon him, nor do or say anything not involving staring at the wall. I do not talk on, look at or acknowledge the existence of my mobile phone. Yet until today, I never considered the need for legal guidance on the subject of What One Does When Some Guy Swipes Your Shorts.
I based my chosen path on the Methodist quadrilateral I would be studying with the kids this very night: scripture (nothing in the book of Ditka), tradition (never happened before), reason (what makes sense and will not involve either disease or violence) and experience (I did hear about a guy dropping an iPod in a toilet- similarly awwwkwarrrrrd). I settled the matter by advising him of his ill-gotten gain, helpfully pointing out where his own wardrobe accessory was located, turned my back completely as he made the change- and then discreetly dumped (hopefully not a poor choice of words) my own, recently clean, underclothes in my gym bag while putting my sweaty ones back on for the duration. I doubt I'll ever wear that other pair again, although I could use a rabbinical opinion as to whether I need to burn them, bury them, or both.
At least I didn't drop my earbuds into his crotch.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 01:55 am (UTC)You showed remarkable restraint.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 02:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 04:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-06 12:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-06 02:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-06 02:56 am (UTC)