Christmas Stories- 2008 Stylee

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Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell!  Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash!  Oh, glorious, glorious!

"What's to-day?" cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy in Sunday clothes, who perhaps had loitered in to look about him.

"To-day?" replied the boy.  "Why, Christmas Day."

"It's Christmas Day!" said Scrooge to himself.  "I haven't missed it.  The Spirits have done it all in one night. Boy! Do you know the Poulterer's, in the next street but one, at the corner?" Scrooge inquired.

"I should hope I did," replied the lad.

"An intelligent boy!" said Scrooge.  "A remarkable boy! Do you know whether they"ve sold the prize Turkey that was hanging up there -- Not the little prize Turkey: the big one?"

"It's hanging there now," replied the boy.

"Is it?" said Scrooge.  "Go and buy it,  and tell them to bring it here, that I may give them the direction where to take it.  Come back with the man, and I'll give you a shilling.  Come back with him in less than five minutes and I'll give you half-a-crown."

The boy was off like a shot.  He must have had a steady hand at a trigger who could have got a shot off half so fast.

"I'll send it to Bob Cratchit's!" whispered Scrooge, rubbing his hands, and splitting with a laugh.  "He shan't know who sends it.  It's twice the size of Tiny Tim.  Joe Miller never made such a joke as sending it to Bob's will be!"

True to his word, the boy returned in four-and-half-a minutes, the prize bird demanding all his strength. He lugged it through the entry-door, presented it to Scrooge, who returned the greeting with an even more generous whole crown and a hearty "Merrrrry Christ- Jesus, Mary and Joseph, who is THAT?"

THAT, it turned out, was a cadre of slovenly-dressed protesters, who tackled the boy, grabbed the prize from him, and showered Scrooge with red paint.

"We're from PETA," cried the oldest, an old biddy named Ingrid. "Go sacrifice your own species. It's the free range for this creature!"



----



Christmas morning dawned cold and snowy, as it always did at the Bucket household. The Grandmas had scrimped and saved to add an entire second boiled potato to their Christmas feast. As always, Charlie sat quietly and shared with his relatives, not a once complaining about his lot.

From the corner of the bed, though, Grampa Joe's eyes were even twinklier than usual. "I've got something special for you, Charlie," he winked, and from under his covers produced a brand-new Wonka bar.

Charlie's hopes rose, ever so slightly. The fifth Golden Ticket was still out there! What were the odds of it showing up merely a block from the famed factory itself?

A crinkle of paper answered his question, and all of his prayers. Under it shone a flash of gold, and the words he had waited all season to hear:

Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka! I shake you warmly by the hand! Tremendous things are in store for you! Many wonderful surprises await you! For now, I do invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one whole day! The day I have chosen for the visit is the 25th of December- yes, Christmas Day! On this day, and on no other, you must come to the factory gates at one o'clock sharp in the afternoon. Don't be late!

If, at any time thereafter, you should run out of supplies, you have only to come back to the factory and show this Golden Ticket, and I shall be happy to refill your cupboard with whatever you want. In this way, you will be able to keep yourself supplied with tasty morsels for the rest of your life.

(signed) Willy Wonka.

Charlie's reverie was broken, as he said, "But that's just minutes from now! We'll never make it!"

Grampa Joe leapt out of bed and said, "Come on! It's only a block away!"

Like coursers they flew, arriving at the gates of the factory at precisely 1259.... to the sight of four other dejected children heading toward the nearest public house.

"Goddam fiscal crisis," said Violet Beauregarde. "All the chocolate melted down."

"Und the subprime mortgage on ze factory, it gut foreclosed," added Augustus Gloop.

Veruca Salt chimed in. "Daddy! Look at those UK Immigration Officers carrying out those little men! I want one! I want my own Immigration Officer!"

Seeing Charlie's depressed face, Grampa Joe, ever the optimist, consoled his ward. "At least we still have the Golden Ticket. We can get all the Wonka Bars you want!"

"Fat chance," muttered Mike Teevee. "It was on CNBC earlier- Bankruptcy Court cancelled all the Wonka gift cards."



----



In those days the Census Bureau issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire  world. (This was the first census that took place while Blagojevich was governor of Illinois.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Pennsylvania to Illinois, to Chicago the town of Daley, because he belonged to the house and line of Daley. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.  While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

When word came to Blagojevich of the miracle of this birth, he called upon his advisers and seers. "I've got this thing and it's fuckin' golden," he said. "See what you can sell him for."

After Jesus was born, Magi from the east came to Chicago and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king ? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him."

 When Blagojevich heard this he was disturbed, and all Chicago with him. "Worship? They're not willing to give me anything except appreciation? Fuck them!"

After they had heard him, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Blagojevich, they returned to their country by another route.



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