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captainsblogI'm not entirely sure how I stumbled over this minefield at the shallow end of the gene pool. Some of it, surely, was from watching the Darwin Awards movie last night, which faithfully reintroduced so many of the real contest's posthumous winners' stories. The C-130 jet engine on the back of a Duster? Check. The bimbo putting the Winnebago on "cruise control" so she could refresh her drink (among other things)? Check. All sorts of other morons having things fall on them, falling onto things, and a recurring theme of Things That Can Go Wrong In a Bathtub.
Tied to that, perhaps (hopefully not literally), was a metaquote I read this morning about a young lady's Thanksgiving visit to a sex shop. The whole quote's here, but this is all I needed to start my own Darwinian thinking:
I'm still not convinced as to the positive qualities of a glass vibrator, despite the saleswoman's enthusiastic pitch.
One Googling later, I was there. The final resting place of virtually all of the Really Bad Ideas of man (usually, sadly, it is a man)-kind. I present for your approval:
Things I Learn From My Patients
Here's just a sampling of the pearls of wisdom accumulated on just the first page of the board. (NO LIQUIDS, TERRI!)
The one that started it all:
If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"
I don't know what happened to #2 (perhaps that was a purposeful omission), but then these follow in short order:
#3. Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don't pay.
#4. Always be polite to strangers. No matter how tough one thinks he is, there is always someone bigger, badder, or more likely to use violence to accentuate his point.
#5: Stay away from people named "Some Guy" or "This One Dude", because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off. If I see them on the street, I cross the street to get away from them.
At last we arrive at glass vibrator territory with
#6 Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
After that, the numbering system breaks down, but the content improves significantly:
Never leave your last refill of percocet in plain site after your docs office closes if one of these 3 friends is coming over for dinner:
1. some dude
2. my friend
3. that bitch
---
If the two dudes live in YOUR city, don't sit out on your front porch reading the bible and minding your own business at 2 AM unless you are praying to be shot
---
If you are prone to dystonic reactions and are stealing your roomates meds. Make sure you can tell valium from haldol.
---
Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
---
Patients with chronic (back, neck, head, abd, etc) pain come into the emergency department at 3am because the pain suddenly gets "worser".
If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).
No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.
If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests that are all positive, and you come into the emergency department...chances are that test too will come back positive.
---
If you are given a prescription for narcotics wait until the rx is filled before you try to sell them...
pt yesterday with bs pain complaint gets rx for Vicodin and tries to sell them over the phone(loudly) in the E.D. lobby..." they gave me 30 vicodin...how about $250? ok meet me here in 20 minutes". overheard by staff who took written rx from pt and ripped it up in his presence.....
---
No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.
Drinking Pine Sol diluted in a 5 gallon bucket, shared with 5 friends, is not a good way to get drunk.
---
18 year old kids absolutely need new Audis-- especially the kind with the DVD player built into the dashboard so that they can watch "the fast and the furious" while driving along a windy road at say, 3am. the best thing to say (if you are an 18 year old driver of such a car) is "hey, watch my car handle this turn" as you careen into a tree. (unrestrained driver had not one but TWO spiral femur fractures in the same leg. his foot was pointed backwards). tree survived with minor scratches.
There are more, and that's just the first page (52 to go- my weekend as we know it is over!), but how can I NOT ::koff:: end with this one?
If you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don't give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
Enjoy your breakfasts.
Tied to that, perhaps (hopefully not literally), was a metaquote I read this morning about a young lady's Thanksgiving visit to a sex shop. The whole quote's here, but this is all I needed to start my own Darwinian thinking:
I'm still not convinced as to the positive qualities of a glass vibrator, despite the saleswoman's enthusiastic pitch.
One Googling later, I was there. The final resting place of virtually all of the Really Bad Ideas of man (usually, sadly, it is a man)-kind. I present for your approval:
Things I Learn From My Patients
Here's just a sampling of the pearls of wisdom accumulated on just the first page of the board. (NO LIQUIDS, TERRI!)
The one that started it all:
If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"
I don't know what happened to #2 (perhaps that was a purposeful omission), but then these follow in short order:
#3. Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don't pay.
#4. Always be polite to strangers. No matter how tough one thinks he is, there is always someone bigger, badder, or more likely to use violence to accentuate his point.
#5: Stay away from people named "Some Guy" or "This One Dude", because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off. If I see them on the street, I cross the street to get away from them.
At last we arrive at glass vibrator territory with
#6 Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
After that, the numbering system breaks down, but the content improves significantly:
Never leave your last refill of percocet in plain site after your docs office closes if one of these 3 friends is coming over for dinner:
1. some dude
2. my friend
3. that bitch
---
If the two dudes live in YOUR city, don't sit out on your front porch reading the bible and minding your own business at 2 AM unless you are praying to be shot
---
If you are prone to dystonic reactions and are stealing your roomates meds. Make sure you can tell valium from haldol.
---
Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
---
Patients with chronic (back, neck, head, abd, etc) pain come into the emergency department at 3am because the pain suddenly gets "worser".
If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).
No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.
If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests that are all positive, and you come into the emergency department...chances are that test too will come back positive.
---
If you are given a prescription for narcotics wait until the rx is filled before you try to sell them...
pt yesterday with bs pain complaint gets rx for Vicodin and tries to sell them over the phone(loudly) in the E.D. lobby..." they gave me 30 vicodin...how about $250? ok meet me here in 20 minutes". overheard by staff who took written rx from pt and ripped it up in his presence.....
---
No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.
Drinking Pine Sol diluted in a 5 gallon bucket, shared with 5 friends, is not a good way to get drunk.
---
18 year old kids absolutely need new Audis-- especially the kind with the DVD player built into the dashboard so that they can watch "the fast and the furious" while driving along a windy road at say, 3am. the best thing to say (if you are an 18 year old driver of such a car) is "hey, watch my car handle this turn" as you careen into a tree. (unrestrained driver had not one but TWO spiral femur fractures in the same leg. his foot was pointed backwards). tree survived with minor scratches.
There are more, and that's just the first page (52 to go- my weekend as we know it is over!), but how can I NOT ::koff:: end with this one?
If you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don't give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
Enjoy your breakfasts.
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 04:44 pm (UTC)This one has me LOLing still.
From several pages in.....
Date: 2008-11-29 05:14 pm (UTC)don't allow someone with a known poorly controlled seizure disorder to perform oral sex on you...
no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 04:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 04:55 pm (UTC)Memo to Hospital Staff
Date: 2008-11-29 05:50 pm (UTC)Re: Memo to Hospital Staff
Date: 2008-11-30 07:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 11:20 pm (UTC)I do have some fun drug seeker stories. Patient given the prescription, claimed she'd lost it before she left the office. Another got her meds, then claimed her daughter ruined them by spraying a hose all over the bathroom. Apparently people store their narcotics either with the bottle cap open (with small children running around) or strewn about bathrooms. They also ALWAYS take pills while leaning over the toilet. I don't understand that one.
Amazingly, I still do like my job (most of the time). :-)
no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 11:25 pm (UTC)To which the resident replied, "Oh look! Fruity Pebbles!"
no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-29 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-30 07:14 pm (UTC)