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captainsblogOkay. This has now officially gotten out of hand.
DES MOINES (Made-it-U.P.)-- The ever-escalating war of celebrity endorsements reached celestial proportions earlier today when Jesus Christ appeared to a group of prospective caucus participants at a Machine Shed restaurant here and endorsed Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for the Democratic nomination for President.
The shock of His re-appearance was matched only by the proclamation earlier in the day by Almighty God Himself, sighted on the grounds of Mount Sinai Hospital on the Upper East Side of New York City, where He anointed Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) as His choice as nominee.
These appearances were only the latest in the round of endorsements by assorted gods and demi-gods over the previous several weeks leading up to the key initial tests in Iowa and New Hampshire, which began earlier this month when Obama procured the first Presidential endorsement ever from television deity Oprah Winfrey.
Until Christ's appearance on his behalf earlier today, Obama relied mainly on the continued awesomeness of this accomplishment. "God may be the Supreme Being and all," he said earlier in response to the Heavenly Father's selection of his rival, "but when did you last see HIM passing out Pontiacs, huh?"
Senator Clinton had, until today, been striving mightily to catch up to Obama in the celestial sweepstakes, and when polling data failed to show significant pushes from her prior snagging of endorsements from Barbra Streisand, Magic Johnson, Nelson Mandela, Stephen Hawking and Albert Schweitzer (posthumously), one of her most trusted advisers told her, "Hillary, you haven't got a prayer."
"That gave me the idea," she said. "I'm a United Methodist, so I bent in humble adoration and promised Him universal health care and a casserole."
Other candidates outside the highest celestial spheres of influence tried to shrug off these new developments while trying not to appear blasphemous. Senator John Edwards (D-SC) reacted by filing lawsuits against both members of the Trinity in U.S. District Court in Manhattan, citing both the First Amendment and the "no religious test" provisions of the Constitution. "They're God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, and Jesus Christ His Only Son Our Lord, but I'm a trial lawyer," Edwards scoffed.
Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE) was reportedly busy plagiarizing psalms and prophecies in preparation of his response to the news, while longshot Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) took the most optimistic view of the developments of the day.
"Jesus said, 'The last shall be first,'" Kucinich said. "By that reasoning I'm practically ready to name my Cabinet!"
Satan has yet to announce his crucial endorsement in either primary contest, and it is unlikely he will be able to do so while Dick Cheney is constantly calling upon him in the business of actually running the country.
----
You will note that I left the Holy Spirit completely out of this. I may be a shameless smartass, but I know my unpardonable sins all too well;)
DES MOINES (Made-it-U.P.)-- The ever-escalating war of celebrity endorsements reached celestial proportions earlier today when Jesus Christ appeared to a group of prospective caucus participants at a Machine Shed restaurant here and endorsed Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for the Democratic nomination for President.
The shock of His re-appearance was matched only by the proclamation earlier in the day by Almighty God Himself, sighted on the grounds of Mount Sinai Hospital on the Upper East Side of New York City, where He anointed Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) as His choice as nominee.
These appearances were only the latest in the round of endorsements by assorted gods and demi-gods over the previous several weeks leading up to the key initial tests in Iowa and New Hampshire, which began earlier this month when Obama procured the first Presidential endorsement ever from television deity Oprah Winfrey.
Until Christ's appearance on his behalf earlier today, Obama relied mainly on the continued awesomeness of this accomplishment. "God may be the Supreme Being and all," he said earlier in response to the Heavenly Father's selection of his rival, "but when did you last see HIM passing out Pontiacs, huh?"
Senator Clinton had, until today, been striving mightily to catch up to Obama in the celestial sweepstakes, and when polling data failed to show significant pushes from her prior snagging of endorsements from Barbra Streisand, Magic Johnson, Nelson Mandela, Stephen Hawking and Albert Schweitzer (posthumously), one of her most trusted advisers told her, "Hillary, you haven't got a prayer."
"That gave me the idea," she said. "I'm a United Methodist, so I bent in humble adoration and promised Him universal health care and a casserole."
Other candidates outside the highest celestial spheres of influence tried to shrug off these new developments while trying not to appear blasphemous. Senator John Edwards (D-SC) reacted by filing lawsuits against both members of the Trinity in U.S. District Court in Manhattan, citing both the First Amendment and the "no religious test" provisions of the Constitution. "They're God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, and Jesus Christ His Only Son Our Lord, but I'm a trial lawyer," Edwards scoffed.
Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE) was reportedly busy plagiarizing psalms and prophecies in preparation of his response to the news, while longshot Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) took the most optimistic view of the developments of the day.
"Jesus said, 'The last shall be first,'" Kucinich said. "By that reasoning I'm practically ready to name my Cabinet!"
Satan has yet to announce his crucial endorsement in either primary contest, and it is unlikely he will be able to do so while Dick Cheney is constantly calling upon him in the business of actually running the country.
----
You will note that I left the Holy Spirit completely out of this. I may be a shameless smartass, but I know my unpardonable sins all too well;)
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Date: 2007-12-19 01:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-19 02:59 pm (UTC)