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captainsblogIt's time, I fear, to update my list of stupid names for SUVs, since I've been unfortunately stuck behind increasing numbers of these urban assault vehicles in recent times. I'd previously questioned the wisdom of naming such a behemoth after the most infamously defeated navy in modern history, or the email program best known for crashing, or a substance most often used as a high explosive, or, my personal favorite, a European prince whose movie-star wife died in a rollover accident.
But wait, there's more!
Yesterday, I got my first sight of a Subaru Tribeca. Now there's a name that evokes two things for me: tiny, overpriced apartments, and the production company of Robert DiNiro, best known for being an insane chauffeur of a 12-year-old hooker. Both fit well with the overcompensation theme of the body type.
More common is the Toyota Sequoia. Now isn't it just a tad tacky to name an SUV after the majestic trees it's killing off through global warming? I find it right up there with the idiot stockbroker in the next building who parks his Hummer so I can see it has a Sierra Club bumper sticker on it.
Hyundai brings us the Veracruz. To me, that goes only one place: to the Burt Lancaster film of that name where he plays Joe Erin, described in Wikipedia as "a psychopathic gunslinger with a large gang of American criminals (including Ernest Borgnine, Jack Elam, Charles Bronson, and Archie Savage)." Yup, sounds like a typical entourage of SUV drivers to me. Perhaps this history will inspire the finest piece of film/SUV crossovership: THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN MPG.
The Isuzu Ascender. Doh- what do you do when you get it to the TOP of the hill?
The Porsche Cayenne. Really, now; do YOU want to get into an accident with a 6,500 pound tank going 100 miles an hour when the car makes the driver sneeze?
The Pontiac Torrent. Sheesh, who would buy one of these when you can download one illegally on the internet?
New brands lie ahead: The Kyoto Protocol. The Iraqi Invasion. And the ultimate in performance-enhancing road rage, the 2000 Yankee Clubhouse.
I'm off to run errands in my wussy little Ford Fuckus now.
But wait, there's more!
Yesterday, I got my first sight of a Subaru Tribeca. Now there's a name that evokes two things for me: tiny, overpriced apartments, and the production company of Robert DiNiro, best known for being an insane chauffeur of a 12-year-old hooker. Both fit well with the overcompensation theme of the body type.
More common is the Toyota Sequoia. Now isn't it just a tad tacky to name an SUV after the majestic trees it's killing off through global warming? I find it right up there with the idiot stockbroker in the next building who parks his Hummer so I can see it has a Sierra Club bumper sticker on it.
Hyundai brings us the Veracruz. To me, that goes only one place: to the Burt Lancaster film of that name where he plays Joe Erin, described in Wikipedia as "a psychopathic gunslinger with a large gang of American criminals (including Ernest Borgnine, Jack Elam, Charles Bronson, and Archie Savage)." Yup, sounds like a typical entourage of SUV drivers to me. Perhaps this history will inspire the finest piece of film/SUV crossovership: THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN MPG.
The Isuzu Ascender. Doh- what do you do when you get it to the TOP of the hill?
The Porsche Cayenne. Really, now; do YOU want to get into an accident with a 6,500 pound tank going 100 miles an hour when the car makes the driver sneeze?
The Pontiac Torrent. Sheesh, who would buy one of these when you can download one illegally on the internet?
New brands lie ahead: The Kyoto Protocol. The Iraqi Invasion. And the ultimate in performance-enhancing road rage, the 2000 Yankee Clubhouse.
I'm off to run errands in my wussy little Ford Fuckus now.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-15 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-16 12:48 am (UTC)