There'll Always Be an England

[captainsblog]

Olde Mother England didn't bring us the majority of the stories in this week's News of the Weird (indeed, stupid American judges had five separate stories all to themselves compared to the UK's four). It's still no contest, though, because we lawyers here EXPECT judges to be stupid, and the UK stories are far more entertaining on their own merits:

Now to invent a car that runs on Watney's Red Barrel:

Supermarkets are selling beer at a cheaper price than water, fuelling concern over their role in Britain's binge-drinking crisis.

Despite repeated public health warnings, Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda now offer lager at just 22p a can - less per litre than their ownbrand-mineral water and cola, and cheap enough to allow someone to get drunk for just £1.

An investigation by The Mail on Sunday has uncovered a fierce alcohol price war between the major supermarkets.

Lager is now so cheap that the stores pay more in excise duties than they charge at the till.

If it weren't for Bush ruining the damn exchange rate, I might be on the next plane.

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Lock one in a room with a can of Glade Air Freshener and let them fight it out:

The smell of success is not always sweet.

This couldn’t be more true for aromatic entrepreneurs and maried couple Linda and Frank Knight from Kirkham, Lancashire. Their niche fragrance firm Dale Air has found itself thrust into the limelight, after a pub ordered an ashtray air fragrance to re-ignite interest since the smoking ban.

Frank told us: "We expected pubs in the UK to pick up on the ashtray room fragrance as soon as the ban came in because it was so popular in Ireland when they brought it in.

"From what I have heard it’s because of the awful smells the tobacco used to veil such as body odour and vomit.  Also smell is a great way to create an atmosphere and a lot of pub goers don’t feel the same in smoke free environment."

There is no truth to the rumour that barmen now announce last orders by calling out, "Come on, haven't you got odourous, vomit-smelling homes to go to?"

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C'mon, mate. You accept bets on anything at Ladbrokes and you don't understand negative spreads?

Lottery operator Camelot has been forced to withdraw a scratchcard because players were too innumerate to understand it, according to the Manchester Evening News.

    The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won.

    To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.

    But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some. Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.

The story quotes player Tina Farrell, 23:

    I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it.

    I think Camelot are giving people the wrong impression - the card doesn't say to look for a colder or warmer temperature, it says to look for a higher or lower number. Six is a lower number than 8. Imagine how many people have been misled.

In fairness, I suppose, people in this country do have more familiarity with the concept. We, after all, have learned to track Britney's IQ in negative numbers for most of this decade.

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If you see something, say something. Just not "kaboom."

More than 30 staff were forced out of a Devon police station when a man brought in a hand grenade.

The grenade was found in an allotment in St Michael's, Paignton, by a man who put it in his car and drove to the town's police station on Monday.

The rusting weapon, thought to be a World War II Mills grenade, was placed in a secure container at the station.

A bomb disposal unit which dealt with the grenade said the finder was lucky to be alive.

Oh how I love the English. Bomb squads don't dismantle, or explode. They "deal with." After our Marine Midland division of HSBC finally merged with its longtime cousin in the UK, I got to use its ATMs without fee. Where ours say, "processing transaction," the one on Russell Street responded with, "Please wait. We are dealing with your request." It then ended the deal with the benediction, "Thank you for your custom."

Which one? The driving on the right, the wearing sandals with socks, or our unfortunate habit of electing idiots to our highest office?

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It unshakably feels like Sunday today, and there's no game on in 45 minutes. Somebody fix this, please.

Comments

[tybalt-quin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Lottery story depressed me so much.