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captainsblogWith a disproportionate amount of attention being pointed at the HP7 Epilogue- running a bit negative so far- it can only seem to be there for one reason: to let JKR weasel out of her promise of No More Books.
Since it's inevitable we're going there anyway, I offer my predictions for
10. Room of Requirement replaced in the second new book with a bitchin' new holodeck.
9. After the stunning mass freedom of all the house-elves organized by Minister Granger- Whateverherlastnameis, Hogwarts brings in a staff of androids to work the kitchen, led by the clumsy yet adorable "Abacus."
8. To emphasize the new harmony among the Houses, the three main Gryffindor characters are given a Slytherin sidekick, who is fierce, loyal and at times touchingly funny despite being made to wear a really bad hairdo and a sissy-looking sash at all times.
7. Yet another Royal Shakespeare Company actor is chosen for Headmaster- this one bald, forever single and yet rumored among the women to be incredibly sexy, who also seems to possess a unique ability for getting the most out of his gifted children.
6. The Goblins in this series look nothing like they do in the original; it is something they "do not discuss with outsiders."
5. The Malfoy kid runs off to the Forbidden Forest to be comforted by a pointy-eared Centaur. "Why did they nickname me 'Slash'? Please, I must know," he whines. "Fans just do that," Firenze answers. "It is illogical, but it is often true."
4. A new Unforgivable Curse is added: Resistante Futalis!
3. In need of an updated mortal enemy, Our Heroes are constantly annoyed by an all-powerful wizard expelled from the mysterious foreign Continuum school of Wizardry, who keeps showing up in school robes, annoying the shit out of the Headmaster, and endangering the entire student body when he Apparates the entire building to the Yet Another Series Quadrant.
2. Divination enrollment more than triples with the arrival of Professor Troi, who replaced Trelawney after her sad and suspicious death in a pool of hot, steaming mud.
and the number one Can't Miss Spoiler for HP-TNG:
1. Wesley Crusher signs on as the first year's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, only to be chased out of the Great Hall to chants of "die! die! die!"
Since it's inevitable we're going there anyway, I offer my predictions for
10. Room of Requirement replaced in the second new book with a bitchin' new holodeck.
9. After the stunning mass freedom of all the house-elves organized by Minister Granger- Whateverherlastnameis, Hogwarts brings in a staff of androids to work the kitchen, led by the clumsy yet adorable "Abacus."
8. To emphasize the new harmony among the Houses, the three main Gryffindor characters are given a Slytherin sidekick, who is fierce, loyal and at times touchingly funny despite being made to wear a really bad hairdo and a sissy-looking sash at all times.
7. Yet another Royal Shakespeare Company actor is chosen for Headmaster- this one bald, forever single and yet rumored among the women to be incredibly sexy, who also seems to possess a unique ability for getting the most out of his gifted children.
6. The Goblins in this series look nothing like they do in the original; it is something they "do not discuss with outsiders."
5. The Malfoy kid runs off to the Forbidden Forest to be comforted by a pointy-eared Centaur. "Why did they nickname me 'Slash'? Please, I must know," he whines. "Fans just do that," Firenze answers. "It is illogical, but it is often true."
4. A new Unforgivable Curse is added: Resistante Futalis!
3. In need of an updated mortal enemy, Our Heroes are constantly annoyed by an all-powerful wizard expelled from the mysterious foreign Continuum school of Wizardry, who keeps showing up in school robes, annoying the shit out of the Headmaster, and endangering the entire student body when he Apparates the entire building to the Yet Another Series Quadrant.
2. Divination enrollment more than triples with the arrival of Professor Troi, who replaced Trelawney after her sad and suspicious death in a pool of hot, steaming mud.
and the number one Can't Miss Spoiler for HP-TNG:
1. Wesley Crusher signs on as the first year's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, only to be chased out of the Great Hall to chants of "die! die! die!"
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Date: 2007-07-24 12:29 am (UTC)