Top Ten Things Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Was Beaten Into Confessing (March 16 edition)

[captainsblog]

10. He was the second gunman in the Kennedy assassination. Also, the third, fourth and fifth.

9. That time, a few months ago, when you came back to your car in the parking lot and found a ding in the driver's side door? That was him.

8. Not only did he shoot down Oceanic Flight 815 with a shoulder-launched missile, he's also been in charge of the script the past two months.

7. HE is Luke's father.

6. In January of 1991, he secretly replaced the final ball of Super Bowl XXV with an explosive-filled decoy designed to go off when Scott Norwood kicked it into the net to win the game.

5. He DID have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

4. Masterminded a foiled plot on behalf of Quiznos to kidnap Jared, force-feed him triple Whoppers with cheese and Ding Dongs and make him fat again.

3. When having kinky sex with him and the other sheiks, Osama's "safe word" is "Whitney."

2. Sank the Titanic, drilled holes in the bottom of the lifeboats, and wrote the music for Celine Dion.

and the number one new thing Mohammed's confessed to today....

1. Oh my god! He killed Kenny.

Comments

[schmedgar.livejournal.com]

see, I knew it!!

Let's torture more people!!!

[luckycee.livejournal.com]

Did you write this? Brilliant.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

Thank you:) I try to credit anything here that isn't mine own.

[headbanger118.livejournal.com]

Ok, he deserves a slow painful death for the Celine Dion thing alone.

[fangirlsays.livejournal.com]

*snarf*

You slay me. :)

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

Nah.

Mohammed did that;)

[sturgeonslawyer.livejournal.com]

Is it just me, or does KSM sound like a good name for a band?

I wanted to ask Osama, I thought maybe he'd know;
he'd been up all night listening to Mohammed's radio.
Don't it make you want to rock'n'roll...

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

I was trying to come up with some rendition of "Rock the Casbah" by the Clash.

But then, to this Administration, "rendition" means something entirely different.