Down the rabbit hole and into the loo

[captainsblog]

My windows are still open, and it's close to 70 degrees before noon, in Buffalo, on the last Sunday in November. 

I'll get outside later, promise. The Bills game is blacked out, so unless I can find Slingbox software and a helpful Slingbox-using friend in Jacksonville in the next 20 minutes or so, there's not much to do inside today, anyway.

Right now, that's the problem. It's my fourth straight day off of work, unheard of for my usually busy brain. If that sounds like party time, it isn't, since the humdrum payment of bills has left me with about one and a half nickels to rub together until some deals get done this week. So there's not much else to do in here but read, eat, and look around the bathroom to see what new oddities have accumulated in there.

Yes, I'm afraid it's time for another of Ray's Missions of Mercy into the Beauty Section of the medicine cabinet.  I did one of these a year or so ago, but these are ::shudder:: all new!

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At the top of the list, what else? The hair. Now sitting close to the sink is something I hadn't seen until this weekend: something called


Ion Color Defense.



(Our particular variety is the purple-bottled "daily hydrating conditioner," but you get the basic idea.)




I had no idea our bathroom had become such a battleground for weapons of hair destruction. "Gray five to gray leader! Locking in coordinates on target roots!" "Gray leader to gray five! Abort mission! Target is using Color Defense system!" 

Does the smell of all that air-war mortar fire get in the way of your morning aromatherapy? Is that what's bothering you, bunky? No problem. We got that solved:



Neutra Air



Another fine product from our friends at Reckitt Benckiser (isn't that great, having an organism-destroying chemical made by a company whose name begins with "wreck it") to combat the chemicals in the room with, what else? MORE chemicals!



If these exchanges of weaponry continue in there, I'm going to have to get in on the action, just for the sake of science. I'm considering breaking into a pharmacy, grabbing some fertility drugs, spraying spermicide on them and watching them fight it out.

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Next, an already sore spot: the peppermint soap.  I've already made my feelings on this stuff quite clear: Get. It. Awayfromme. Yet before today my contact with the product was always on the used end. This morning, I had occasion to inspect one of the bottles whence it came:



Dr. Bronner's 18-in-1 Hemp Peppermint Soap





Damn, there's an awful lot of fine print for an all-natural all-organic product, nyuh?  Here's a brief reading from the Book of Bronner, just the first line of tiny type on the label (trust me, there's plenty more Vogon poetry I'm sparing you):

Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! Who else but God gave man Love that can spark mere dust to life! Poetry, uniting All-One! All brave! All life! Who else but God! Harmful if swallowed!

(Okay, I stuck that last one in there, although come to think of it God probably WOULD be harmful if swallowed.)

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This bathroom gets so busy, the occasional mishap will occur. Spills along with the chills and thrills. We got your back there, too:



Carbona Stain Roller


This technologically advanced formula removes even stubborn stains like grease, shoe polish, make-up, ketchup and grass. The formula is all-natural and has been dermatologically approved - and it's safe for machine washable, hand-washable or water-safe fabrics. Not recommended for carpeting, upholstery, acetate, or fabrics that cannot hold water.

Also, most likely, not recommended for armpits, and that, in this house of confusion, is where Ray is gonna roll that thing on some unconscious Monday morning mistaking it for the Ban Roll-On. "Gee, honey, your pits aren't just clean.... they're gone!"  If you think I'm exaggerating, you clearly haven't read my lawsuit against the Ben Gay Corporation based on their insidious duplication of the Colgate toothpaste stand-up bottle.


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Lastly, a confession. I am not immune to this craze. Indeed, yesterday, I made my own unique and frightening contribution to it. The razor was getting a little gimpy, especially in those hard to reach see chin areas, and the commercials have been relentless, so I went out and got me one of these bad boys:



Gillette Fusion

Jesus on a pimple, this mofo should come with landing lights and a 200 page owner's manual.  And speaking of manual, that's the one I got- the hand-powered version. There's one that's battery operated. I don't even want to think about the reasons for that.

When I began growing out my beard in the late 70s, a state which lasted for more than two decades, the best thing going in the facial hair combat area was something called the Trac II. As in a pair of blades- two, countem, two!- on the end of the handle. It took most of those 20 years for engineers at Gillette and Schick to get that number up to three. Well, now facial blade proliferation is really getting out of hand, for this beast has five blades on the front plus a spare touch-up tool on the back.  At this rate, someone's gonna be out soon with...

DODECAMAX- the ultimate in shaving and artery-slashing. Twelve rotating blades powered by a nuclear chip, making those hard-to-reach places easy to get since they'll glow in the dark after just a few uses!


I suppose next I should report on what the wine bottles in the kitchen say. No, ossifer, I haven't been into them. Yet.

Comments

[luckycee.livejournal.com]

We listened to the game on WCMF on the way to the Rez this afternoon for gas and cigs. Bills won 27 to 24 in the last five seconds of the game!

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

I dont know about the Rochester affiliate, but apparently the replacement game here (Baltimore against somebody) was such a blowout, the network switched to the last couple minutes of the Bills game and anyone who was watching, got to see the final drive and game-winning kick.

I missed it; there was a herd of girl in my living room watching anime, and I was listening to the game out in a 70-plus-degree greenhouse. No complaints:)

[luckycee.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I missed hearing those last few seconds because I was getting lunch for Jim in a McDonald's...I just posted the story. Grrrrr.....

[headbanger118.livejournal.com]

Who knew one's bathroom was so interesting and informative? ***goes off to read the lable of everything in her bathroom***

[sturgeonslawyer.livejournal.com]

come to think of it God probably WOULD be harmful if swallowed.

As a practicing Catholic (and getting fairly good at it) I resemble that remark. We swallow God every time we participate in the Mass, unlike you Protestants with your Wonder Bread and Welch's. Not only is God fully present in both species, He's really fussy about the ingredients! There are all sorts of rules about what can and can't be used to make the wine and wafer. Like, there has to be wheat, so if you're gluten-intolerant, you'd better stick to the wine. If you're also a recovering alcoholic, you're pretty much scrod and might as well just make your reservation for the Bad Place.