As You Like It

[captainsblog]

Dramatis personae

The HuMon-tagues
ELEANOR, Queen of Household
RAY, Sleeping Husband to ELEANOR

The Cat-ulets and their presumed helpers the Dogs
BIGGSY, Duke of Earl
EBONY, Baroness of Munchausen
MICHELLE, Essence of Myrrh
TASHA, Milk of Magnesia
TAZZER, Quarter of Ten

Scene: A KITCHEN.

ACT ONE

BIGGSY walks upon the parapet, spots the PI-TIMES-144 SQUARE INCH PLATE OF CHRISTMAS COOKIES which had been left in his path.

BIGGSY
What ho, fellow mooches!

COOKIES
::crash to earth with amazing speed, yet even more amazingly, the entire package upends itself in midair, every cookie but one landing safely in the top portion::

BIGGSY
Mine!

ELEANOR
::scolds offending animal, repositions cookies in far safer location. Or so 'tis thought::

ACT TWO

::the curtain remains drawn, the lights do not come up::

KITCHEN
Crash!

BIGGSY
(muted voice)
Mine!

EBONY, MICHELLE, TASHA, TAZZER
Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

ALL
MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp

ELEANOR (sleepily)
Huh, whawaszat?

RAY
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ACT THREE

RAY returns to KITCHEN after the feeding of the Lords and Ladies, sees the PI-TIMES-144 SQUARE INCH PLATE OF CHRISTMAS COOKIES, now empty, in a corner of the floor of KITCHEN

BIGGSY
::comes up next to RAY, seemingly uninterested in the CAT FOOD left for him::

RAY
Nah, couldn'st be.

ACT FOUR

ELEANOR enters KITCHEN after getting ready for work.

RAY
How now, didst thou packest away the PI-TIMES-144 SQUARE INCHES OF CHRISTMAS COOKIES, less that which approximateth perhaps TWO SQUARE INCHES THEREOF which I and thee and Emilee ateth last night?

BIGGSY
And the one I scarfeth, don't forget that.

ELEANOR
Nay, sweet husband, didst I just to resecure the cookies in a far more secure undisclosed location within their....

::sees the PI-TIMES-144-SQUARE INCH EMPTY PLATE amidst the rubble of presents::

Oh. My. God.

::author's note: be-eth that a direct quote. Repeated many times by all the humans in the text of the play's source, Hollandaise's Chronicles::

RAY
Oh. My. God.

BIGGSY
::burps::

ACT FIVE
::played out in catboxes and back yards over the next several days::

COOKIES
Exeunt

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