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This week's notes from the nanny state
Sep. 13th, 2007 07:57 pmDown in the faraway land of Brooklyn that is still part of our state, Assemblyman Felix Ortiz (D-51st) is once again renewing his efforts to put a nanny under every bed, in every car, and now, on every football field.
Ortiz was responsible for our bizarre and utterly ignored law against using a handheld cell phone while driving. He's made numerous attempts since then to expand that, each of them sent to the Special Hell known as the Assembly Transportation Committee, chaired by Rochester Assemblyman David Gantt, possessor of perhaps the only ego in Albany bigger than that of Felix. He's tried banning dialing while driving; banning any use of cell phones by drivers under 18; banning text-messaging while driving; and banning Ban deodorant if he could get the rights to it.
He's also in favor of putting a breathalyzer in every car in the state; banning trans fats from restaurant menus; and requiring the wearing of protective helmets while skiing. And that's just this legislative session, all of which he proudly trumpets on his taxpayer-paid website.
Today, Felix weighed in on this week's tragic accident at the Bills game, where tight end Kevin Everett suffered a potentially life-threatening spinal cord injury. Even as the player's prospects have improved from day to day, Felix hasn't missed his chance to nannify even the NFL, calling today for special equipment on professional football players to prevent this sort of injury.
It's just a matter of time, though, before Nanny McFee-lix realizes that unionized employees can't be trusted to use safety equipment provided by their evil corporate employers, and before long I predict there will be a call to ban kickoff returns.
"Unsophisticated athletes on special teams squads are being hurled at each other at top speeds, often putting offensive specialists like Kevin Everett in charge of making defensive tackles on opposing return men, oops, return people," I can hear him saying. "Let's just make touchbacks mandatory; starting at the 20 is a fair and safer alternative, and once we mandate touch-football rules and get both coaches to take the players out to Dairy Queen after the game, I'm sure we'll make the gridiron a much safer place."
Personal foul, unnecessary presumptiousness, 15 yards, repeat the election.
----
Meanwhile, I have my own personal Nanny running about.
We have one child. She is almost 16 and within breathing distance of a driving license. Our pets are all kept indoors. Yet in the infinite wisdom of our gummints, we cannot use our otherwise fully functional garage door opener because its "emergency sensor" (the one intended to keep little kids from being killed while playing chicken with the garage door) has shit the bed.
The gizmo requires mounting of a sender (yellow signal) and receiver (green when receiving signal) on the bottom edges of the door frame. Both are then wired- and on the optical end, hardwired- by lengthy speaker-type wires back to the opener itself. If yellow does not turn the other light green, the door she no open, and if open she stay open. The lights flash annoyingly on the opener motor itself to remind you of this hazard.
I've probably spent close to 24 hours of the past month readjusting and realigning, and as of last week I had the sucker working again. Then we had a wicked thunderstorm Tuesday night, just as Eleanor was getting in from work, and either she or an onrushing dog knocked the receiver off its pins. In the process, it seems, the wiring got gorked, for now no amount of experimentation will render that green light green.
I cheated, ripping an old strand of speaker wire from an abandoned corner and trying it as a direct connection between the yellow and green terminal ends. Damn engineers thought of that; there must be some capacitor in there which requires there to be some amount of openness in the circuit.
You know where this is going, right? Since the apparently deceased receptor is hardwired, we're looking at a replacement of not just its little bit of circuitry but of the entire line back to the motor itself. With no guarantee that the whole thing won't go bonk in 90 days anyway.
All of this to protect the precious lives of the three-year-old children I do not have.
Somebody shoot me. WARNING: Guns are dangerous objects and should only be operated under trained adult supervision. Weapon may recoil, causing personal injury or death. Gunpowder harmful if swallowed. Powder burns require immediate medical attention. For more information, call Cellino and Barnes at 854-2020.
----
A few welcomes, intentional and curious, to some newcomers round these parts. I recognized the voice belonging to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
uninvitedcat and promptly added yours to my Flist. The other recent arrival here, afineline, also looks interesting and well-spoken in the entries I've read, but other than the Sabres connection I can't quite place where that voice connected with mine. Please to comment or email and I'd be happy to add you to the full mix of madness here once my curiosity has been duly killed and/or fulfilled.
Ortiz was responsible for our bizarre and utterly ignored law against using a handheld cell phone while driving. He's made numerous attempts since then to expand that, each of them sent to the Special Hell known as the Assembly Transportation Committee, chaired by Rochester Assemblyman David Gantt, possessor of perhaps the only ego in Albany bigger than that of Felix. He's tried banning dialing while driving; banning any use of cell phones by drivers under 18; banning text-messaging while driving; and banning Ban deodorant if he could get the rights to it.
He's also in favor of putting a breathalyzer in every car in the state; banning trans fats from restaurant menus; and requiring the wearing of protective helmets while skiing. And that's just this legislative session, all of which he proudly trumpets on his taxpayer-paid website.
Today, Felix weighed in on this week's tragic accident at the Bills game, where tight end Kevin Everett suffered a potentially life-threatening spinal cord injury. Even as the player's prospects have improved from day to day, Felix hasn't missed his chance to nannify even the NFL, calling today for special equipment on professional football players to prevent this sort of injury.
It's just a matter of time, though, before Nanny McFee-lix realizes that unionized employees can't be trusted to use safety equipment provided by their evil corporate employers, and before long I predict there will be a call to ban kickoff returns.
"Unsophisticated athletes on special teams squads are being hurled at each other at top speeds, often putting offensive specialists like Kevin Everett in charge of making defensive tackles on opposing return men, oops, return people," I can hear him saying. "Let's just make touchbacks mandatory; starting at the 20 is a fair and safer alternative, and once we mandate touch-football rules and get both coaches to take the players out to Dairy Queen after the game, I'm sure we'll make the gridiron a much safer place."
Personal foul, unnecessary presumptiousness, 15 yards, repeat the election.
----
Meanwhile, I have my own personal Nanny running about.
We have one child. She is almost 16 and within breathing distance of a driving license. Our pets are all kept indoors. Yet in the infinite wisdom of our gummints, we cannot use our otherwise fully functional garage door opener because its "emergency sensor" (the one intended to keep little kids from being killed while playing chicken with the garage door) has shit the bed.
The gizmo requires mounting of a sender (yellow signal) and receiver (green when receiving signal) on the bottom edges of the door frame. Both are then wired- and on the optical end, hardwired- by lengthy speaker-type wires back to the opener itself. If yellow does not turn the other light green, the door she no open, and if open she stay open. The lights flash annoyingly on the opener motor itself to remind you of this hazard.
I've probably spent close to 24 hours of the past month readjusting and realigning, and as of last week I had the sucker working again. Then we had a wicked thunderstorm Tuesday night, just as Eleanor was getting in from work, and either she or an onrushing dog knocked the receiver off its pins. In the process, it seems, the wiring got gorked, for now no amount of experimentation will render that green light green.
I cheated, ripping an old strand of speaker wire from an abandoned corner and trying it as a direct connection between the yellow and green terminal ends. Damn engineers thought of that; there must be some capacitor in there which requires there to be some amount of openness in the circuit.
You know where this is going, right? Since the apparently deceased receptor is hardwired, we're looking at a replacement of not just its little bit of circuitry but of the entire line back to the motor itself. With no guarantee that the whole thing won't go bonk in 90 days anyway.
All of this to protect the precious lives of the three-year-old children I do not have.
Somebody shoot me. WARNING: Guns are dangerous objects and should only be operated under trained adult supervision. Weapon may recoil, causing personal injury or death. Gunpowder harmful if swallowed. Powder burns require immediate medical attention. For more information, call Cellino and Barnes at 854-2020.
----
A few welcomes, intentional and curious, to some newcomers round these parts. I recognized the voice belonging to
uninvitedcat and promptly added yours to my Flist. The other recent arrival here, afineline, also looks interesting and well-spoken in the entries I've read, but other than the Sabres connection I can't quite place where that voice connected with mine. Please to comment or email and I'd be happy to add you to the full mix of madness here once my curiosity has been duly killed and/or fulfilled.