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Aug. 26th, 2006 09:05 amFox Offers Substitute Hostages for Kidnapped Journalists
JERUSALEM-- Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch today made an unprecedented offer to Hezbollah to induce the return of the two network employees kidnapped in Gaza earlier this month.
"Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly will take their places," Murdoch said.
Both terror-hating pundits readily agreed to the exchange, although, Murdoch added, for different reasons.
"Hannity justs hates them," he explained, "and plans to spend his entire captivity trying to piss them off sufficiently for him to be martyred on national television. He's been taking Berlitz Arabic lessons and can now insult a foreigner in his own language faster than even George Allen can.
"O'Reilly, on the other hand, really thinks he can go in there and convert their little Mohammad-worshipping souls. He's promised to have them come out singing Christmas carols in time for the first holiday preview sale at Penney's."
The proposal was announced after days of intense negotiations over the makeup of the substitute hostage team. The duo first had to overcome the objections of other Fox personnel who had their own recommended replacements- sports analysts Terry Bradshaw and Tim McCarver being the most commonly mentioned names.
The Hannity and O'Reilly camps then fought among themselves over billing, headlines and the order of their televised funerals. In a last-minute compromise, O'Reilly agreed to second billing in the title "Hannity & O'Reilly-America Held Hostage!" in exchange for the entire Gaza strip now being referred to in all Fox programming as the "Gaza no-spin zone."
Reaction in the news media was mixed. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann referred to it as a "shameless publicity stunt by two men past their time" and promised a countdown of ten reasons not to pay them the least bit attention. "But," he added, "at least O'Reilly should be able to get his hands on plenty of falafel."
Stephen Colbert seemed far more worried, particularly about the fate of O'Reilly. "Shit," he said, "I hope I don't wind up like Vaughn Meader after Kennedy got shot."
JERUSALEM-- Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch today made an unprecedented offer to Hezbollah to induce the return of the two network employees kidnapped in Gaza earlier this month.
"Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly will take their places," Murdoch said.
Both terror-hating pundits readily agreed to the exchange, although, Murdoch added, for different reasons.
"Hannity justs hates them," he explained, "and plans to spend his entire captivity trying to piss them off sufficiently for him to be martyred on national television. He's been taking Berlitz Arabic lessons and can now insult a foreigner in his own language faster than even George Allen can.
"O'Reilly, on the other hand, really thinks he can go in there and convert their little Mohammad-worshipping souls. He's promised to have them come out singing Christmas carols in time for the first holiday preview sale at Penney's."
The proposal was announced after days of intense negotiations over the makeup of the substitute hostage team. The duo first had to overcome the objections of other Fox personnel who had their own recommended replacements- sports analysts Terry Bradshaw and Tim McCarver being the most commonly mentioned names.
The Hannity and O'Reilly camps then fought among themselves over billing, headlines and the order of their televised funerals. In a last-minute compromise, O'Reilly agreed to second billing in the title "Hannity & O'Reilly-America Held Hostage!" in exchange for the entire Gaza strip now being referred to in all Fox programming as the "Gaza no-spin zone."
Reaction in the news media was mixed. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann referred to it as a "shameless publicity stunt by two men past their time" and promised a countdown of ten reasons not to pay them the least bit attention. "But," he added, "at least O'Reilly should be able to get his hands on plenty of falafel."
Stephen Colbert seemed far more worried, particularly about the fate of O'Reilly. "Shit," he said, "I hope I don't wind up like Vaughn Meader after Kennedy got shot."