Um numb numb....
May. 14th, 2018 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
captainsblogPepper's not getting picked.
We met. We greeted. On the surface, it was a good fit. She's adorable and playful and reasonably well-behaved, or at least was at her foster mommy's house. But there were warnings. She apparently has a Houdini streak in her which allows her to open and root through kitchen garbage cans, even with locks on them; and they also reported that she's been placed for the day in a secured crate and wound up at day's end sitting on her owners' sofa.
Saturday, we left it that the next step would be for her to pay a visit to our place under the supervision of her current owner- the only one everyone was comfortable with her listening to- to see how the cats would react to her and vice versa. No specific plans for that got made, and as Sunday rolled along, we were both too busy doing All The Things around the house to really be pining for her.
Then the concerns started coming out. Would she take to more training than she's ever had? Would I be reliable enough TO take her to more training than she's ever had? Would she eat Eleanor's artworks and wash them down with colored pencils? Most importantly, were all of us- two-legged AND four-legged- ready so soon to take on another member of the family after having Ebony pass so recently and sadly? (We've both noticed that Zoey has been increasingly cuddly and empathetic over the past couple of weeks.)
The score as of Sunday night: one "no," one "maybe" and two "not enough information yet" (voting with their tails;). But this isn't a school board election; it has to be unanimous- because it's a lifetime commitment, because we keep for keeps. (Just ask the evil cat who we refuse to get rid of.)
Yet I suspected there's more to it, and that came to the forefront this morning. It's not just that Eleanor needs more time to mourn. It's that I need to experience more of that loss as tangibly and palpably as she did, because, as we all know, I wasn't here for the final two days of Ebony's time with us. I knew she was okay with it intellectually- I asked before I left if she wanted me to call off the trip, knowing it had been a bad week beforehand; and then again, after it was clearly "time" on the final day, I offered to turn around and come home. I got, and believed, her intellectual answers of "no" to both of those things- no, you'd already paid for the ticket (a fraction of what the whole trip wound up costing); no, there's nothing you can do at this point (I never cry, even for these moments); no, you should see your friends (who I did for all of 3-4 hours on-and-off out of a 50-waking-hour absence, most of the rest of them spent stressed, bored, sad, or all three).
Fuck intellect. She still had to deal with the emotional pain of putting Ebony down, with me being away at the worst possible moment- and now, I feel it. Now, I have to process the loss of a soul, who didn't touch for long but touched my heart and began to fill a void that's now all voidy all over again. And now, I have to feel the loss that will result if nobody claims this pup and she goes back to a shelter that could, in order of likelihood, (a) traumatize her, (b) place her, (c) exterminate her. And I will get to deal with those feelings all by myself for the next month and a half just as she got to feel the loss and the pain over those days.
Best thing I can do at this point is to reach out to other people I know, or have heard of, who might be more ready for this step than we are. If you are, or know of, any such person, please get in touch. Pepper has a home for at least another month, and I'm optimistic she will find a forever place- but just as Eleanor doesn't want to take chances, neither do I.
We met. We greeted. On the surface, it was a good fit. She's adorable and playful and reasonably well-behaved, or at least was at her foster mommy's house. But there were warnings. She apparently has a Houdini streak in her which allows her to open and root through kitchen garbage cans, even with locks on them; and they also reported that she's been placed for the day in a secured crate and wound up at day's end sitting on her owners' sofa.
Saturday, we left it that the next step would be for her to pay a visit to our place under the supervision of her current owner- the only one everyone was comfortable with her listening to- to see how the cats would react to her and vice versa. No specific plans for that got made, and as Sunday rolled along, we were both too busy doing All The Things around the house to really be pining for her.
Then the concerns started coming out. Would she take to more training than she's ever had? Would I be reliable enough TO take her to more training than she's ever had? Would she eat Eleanor's artworks and wash them down with colored pencils? Most importantly, were all of us- two-legged AND four-legged- ready so soon to take on another member of the family after having Ebony pass so recently and sadly? (We've both noticed that Zoey has been increasingly cuddly and empathetic over the past couple of weeks.)
The score as of Sunday night: one "no," one "maybe" and two "not enough information yet" (voting with their tails;). But this isn't a school board election; it has to be unanimous- because it's a lifetime commitment, because we keep for keeps. (Just ask the evil cat who we refuse to get rid of.)
Yet I suspected there's more to it, and that came to the forefront this morning. It's not just that Eleanor needs more time to mourn. It's that I need to experience more of that loss as tangibly and palpably as she did, because, as we all know, I wasn't here for the final two days of Ebony's time with us. I knew she was okay with it intellectually- I asked before I left if she wanted me to call off the trip, knowing it had been a bad week beforehand; and then again, after it was clearly "time" on the final day, I offered to turn around and come home. I got, and believed, her intellectual answers of "no" to both of those things- no, you'd already paid for the ticket (a fraction of what the whole trip wound up costing); no, there's nothing you can do at this point (I never cry, even for these moments); no, you should see your friends (who I did for all of 3-4 hours on-and-off out of a 50-waking-hour absence, most of the rest of them spent stressed, bored, sad, or all three).
Fuck intellect. She still had to deal with the emotional pain of putting Ebony down, with me being away at the worst possible moment- and now, I feel it. Now, I have to process the loss of a soul, who didn't touch for long but touched my heart and began to fill a void that's now all voidy all over again. And now, I have to feel the loss that will result if nobody claims this pup and she goes back to a shelter that could, in order of likelihood, (a) traumatize her, (b) place her, (c) exterminate her. And I will get to deal with those feelings all by myself for the next month and a half just as she got to feel the loss and the pain over those days.
Best thing I can do at this point is to reach out to other people I know, or have heard of, who might be more ready for this step than we are. If you are, or know of, any such person, please get in touch. Pepper has a home for at least another month, and I'm optimistic she will find a forever place- but just as Eleanor doesn't want to take chances, neither do I.