And now, today's episode of Veterinarian's Refi, the continuing stooooooreeeeee....

[captainsblog]

of a closing that's gone to the dogs.

They made me make a useless mortgage payment yesterday. Doable, but between a client's "bill pay service" check being delayed a week and Eleanor's final disability payment being less than half what it had been, it's going to be tight on account of that.  So that leaves the one and only other impediment, the one I can't control and pretty much know is impossible: getting the IRS to do something it's told me it can't do.

Previously, on Doctor WTF?!?-...


[We need to receive the transcript you requested on ] your basic IRS Form 4506-T. This little baby's what mortgage companies want nowadays to verify that the information you gave them about your taxes is what you told the IRS about them. It's free to obtain, and in normal times they take a day or two to get out of the Treasury's back-office wringer.

You may recall that this New Bank made us file our taxes three weeks early, not believing the draft of the document I'd sent them, and costing us several thousands in extra 2012 taxes because they wouldn't let us make a 2012 retirement contribution out of the closing cash-out. Even though I gave them the filed return, and the Turbo Tax receipt showing its acceptance, that warn't good enough. They needed independent confirmation, which, as of Friday, they didn't have.

So this morning, I got an idear: I'd go to the IRS myself and ask for one. If there wasn't a line (there wasn't), and if I could clear the strip-tease act at the security checkpoint (I did).  Paula Agent 1087394 was prompt, and courteous, but ultimately couldn't do what I asked. You see, even though the return's been accepted, it hasn't been processed. They prioritize returns with refunds over returns where dumbshits like us are paying, so there was nothing she could give me to offer as proof beyond what I already have offered to New Bank.  She did give me an 800 number, and advice to call them every day at 7 a.m. before things get busy, so at least I'll know when the "accepted" return has been "processed," and THEN she'll give me the magic bullet document.....

Except I have, and it hasn't, so she can't.  I got pretty peeved about this late yesterday when the actual lender representative (who I'd never spoken to before that moment) insisted this was absolutely a requirement to proceed.  Upon checking our mortgage commitment, though, I found no such thing. Rather, we're only required to provide the request for the transcript, and that only needs to be delivered AT closing.

I told them so by email this morning and got nowhere. Then I shifted gears and decided to use one last drop of honey before bombing them with flypaper: I called my Congressman.  "Constituent service," they call it- that magic power of incumbency that works like kryptonite on gummint bureaucrats.  In all my years, I have never called in one of these chips before, but today I finally did.

Carol was perfectly nice and sounded optimistic that she could get this simple stupid THING out of their "taxpayer assistance" contact. She needed a privacy waiver, of course, but she also recommended that I document that I really needed this in order to close.

Which, at that moment, I couldn't. My documents all said that I merely needed to ASK for the form, and all the insistences have been over the phone. So it took me another two-plus hours to get one of these jamoches to at least email me and say it was a closing requirement.  I've sent it on and now, gods help me, I am putting my trust in the two least reliable branches of the federal government to save our bacon on this.

Tune in next week, when you'll hear Ray say:


EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE THERE'S A TRANSCRIPT LOOSE! OHHH HOLY COW IT'S LOOSE! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE IT'S BUREAUCRATIC! QUICKLY! COVER YOURSELVES IN ADJUSTED GROSS INCOME! AND CARRY AN O-I-C JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE TO FILE ONE TO REPEL IT! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE QUICKLY THERE'S GONNA BE A TRAGEDY! OH GOD! OOOH! HA!!!!!

Comments

[greenquotebook.livejournal.com]

I cannot believe how long this is taking you and how complicated this has been. Our refinance went smoothly and fairly quickly in comparison. I'm beginning to wonder of your mortgage broker is being an asshole on purpose, or if he/she is totally incompetent.

(((HUGS)))

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

They at least got us a more-or-less market rate commitment, which we were unable to do on two prior tries with our current lender and with a bigger, recommended-to-us bank. It's partly because of an obscure credit issue from over seven years ago that nobody understands except, apparently, me; but it's mostly because all banks now treat self-employed people like me as pariahs, because of how much of the fraud emanated out of people self-reporting their own income of that kind before the crash. I know other people who couldn't even get as far as we did because they didn't have enough history in their current situations; at least mine has been steady for long enough.

[thediva-laments.livejournal.com]

Frankly, sir, I don't know how you haven't gone postal yet. If you don't get a refi out of this, perhaps you should at least write a book?

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

I'm kinda feeling like it's already been written:



Also, hugs for your comment to Eleanor. In case my reply to that didn't nest right, it was:

I'm like that, too, except when plotting the painful deaths of mortgage processors::

[thediva-laments.livejournal.com]

Perhaps, but I'll read you over Melville any day of the week.

And re: the mortgage processors? I totally believe it. :)

[tilia-tomentosa.livejournal.com]

I don't understand anything, and I'm not sure I want to...