Words with Friends

[captainsblog]

Don't worry; I don't do online games anymore. Besides, a game might be fun; this isn't an easy post to write, and probably just as un-fun to read.

I try not to get into the LJ Drama Llama business, but twice this week, I've had people deFriend me. Not a word of why from either; in fact, very few words of anything from either of them leading up to it. (One had been a semi-regular, but had been down to sporadic postings- still interesting, just less of them; it appears this person also dropped several other mutual Friends at or about the same time. The other, I hadn't heard "boo" out of in literally years, but still thought good thoughts about. Both of them, as well as a few others who either Eleanor or I had a more identifiable disagreement with, are still mutual Friends with at least one or two remaining as our Friends here. So far, anyway;)

Some LJ users don't even know, necessarily, when such a deFriending has occurred; you need to set up your notifications specifically to be told of one. I have, and they tend to show up first thing in the morning, along with the "so-and-so's birthday is coming up" types of notices. Not the best time of the day for me to get anxious over having said or done something to offend someone.

In the past year or so before this, I've been dropped several times by accident, and once or twice on account of something I said, which I immediately addressed, apologized for, and restored the friendship after.  Those, at least, I understood, once there was something to understand.

And so, eventually, I will memorialize this post- either backdated and lj-cut at the top, or sidebarred or bannered in some way. Once upon a time, you chose to become a reader of this page (the Dreamwidth definition of "reader" being more accurate than the necessary implications of LJ's "Friend" moniker, although I, and Eleanor, include many of you as some of our closest and real-est of real-life friends). In almost every case, I made that same choice to read you back. That meant I respect your opinions (not necessarily agreeing with them in every case), take interest in your subjects (some, perhaps, more than others), but always, ALWAYS, appreciate you for being a writer, and kindred in spirit for that if nothing else.  If you need to end that reading on account of clutter, growing-apart, outright offense or something else, PLEASE. Take the second someplace- be it my last entry, this one, your journal or an email, and tell me why. It will not be my intent to argue, but I may well find the need to apologize, or explain, or at least say a brief but proper goodbye.

You can also let me know how you feel about my continuing to keep you listed on my friendspage, and/or about my commenting on public entries whether I find them that way or not. Since I tend to assume the worst about these things, I have always been hesitant to interact with anyone who has said, in essence, I don't want to read your stuff anymore. If I understand why, less so.

Finally, since I've had a long and relatively grumpy workday today anyway, I will be taking the moment of this posting to thin out the ranks of those who have said goodbye to my words, or seemingly to LJ in its entirety, over the past year or so.  I will gladly offer the same explanations in those situations that I ask for here, should anyone get the notification and wonder about it.

We now return you to your drama-free LJ lives.

Comments

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

For my part, I'm a little ashamed of the fit I threw that precipitated my brief de-friending several years ago.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

I was saddened by what I had said which precipitated that, and was very glad that we worked through it.

On the other hand, losing two long-time friends in a single day over a discussion about a TV show? Which, now over a year later, neither has ever discussed much less accepted my apology for? That's the kind of thing this post was meant for.

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

A TV show? Seriously?

[firynze.livejournal.com]

There's a reason I don't have defriending notices set up. *shrug* I look at people who follow my LJ as readers, and honestly don't take it personally if they come and go. It's easier that way. But I understand why it can feel very personal, especially if you've been interacting with the person in question, rather than having them as a passive reader.

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

It's weird- or maybe it isn't- that I take losses of LJ-type connections more personally, and painfully, than the losses of some clients I've had over the years. Maybe you respond to it more shrug-gishly because it's closer to what your job is. It's precisely because you- all of you, but definitely including you- are my escape and relief valves FROM what I do during the day. The loss of that, however immeasurable, seems more palpable than just the loss of one more pile of work or receivables.

[firynze.livejournal.com]

I think in my case it's simply because I find it easier to not think about The Audience and instead just notice who I interact with on LJ. I follow people, and some people follow me, and oftentimes I have interesting comment-conversations with people. If it wasn't someone I was interacting with all the time, I tend to not notice when they go away...

[floundah.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about this. That sort of thing is pretty cowardly.

[i-beckygardens.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of people are just leaving lj.

[nentikobe.livejournal.com]

I get this way. I friend someone, and I read, and after a while, I really and truly consider them friends. I care about them - I mean, you're sharing things with me and commenting/getting involved in *my* life - I'm not blogging, I'm sharing my life here. I guess that's how I've always looked at it.

Some people I wouldn't be too upset if they unfriended me - others, (you and your lovely wife are in this second group now) I would stare at the screen and wonder what I did. I'd feel a very deep sense of loss. Perhaps because so many of my friends are across the world now and because when I was 19 I discovered the internet by way of talkers - and so many people I've known for *decades* - but never met, but I still love them and care about them.

So... when I add on lj - you're in my life now. Naive and silly? Maybe. But its just the way I am, and the way I always will be.

(also, please don't leave.)

[ellettra.livejournal.com]

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Well said.

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

Yep, same here. I did get the pleasure of (finally) meeting Ray in person, but had you asked me, even before we met, I'd have said "he's a great friend." Not LJ reader, not LJ friend...just friend. Period.

And I feel that way about a lot of those I've never met!

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

Likewise. And for Terri, and Bill, and Kara. Plus now Holly and Steph and even Walmart have become friends more kept in the ether than the presence, but they're just as important:)

(As for the other comment? Yeah. One reason I hate doing memes, especially ones about pop culture crap. It's too easy to piss somebody off.)

[ellettra.livejournal.com]

Me too! And my dearest friends, and indeed, Griffin! have all been met on LJ. It's not a social networking site, in my opinion. It's not a blogging site. It's a community and a neighborhood. That's why I like it!

[ellettra.livejournal.com]

Sending hugs!

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Please don't evah de-friend me! I like your posts!

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

HELL NO you won't go!

(and if you ever sneak back here for anything, I had better be informed)