For Absent Friends- I

[captainsblog]

I. - Yesterday

Sunday at six when they close both the gates
a widowed pair,
still sitting there,
Wonder if they're late for church
and it's cold, so they fasten their coats
and cross the grass, they're always last.

Passing by the padlocked swings,
the roundabout still turning,
ahead they see a small girl
on her way home with a pram.

In a totally predictable form of irony, Emily dropped the Facebook account that had finally kick-started me getting one of my own in the first place. She'd wanted it to keep track of NYSSSA friends who she'd become close to in their month together, but it took only a few weeks for her to discover that these same friends, let back into their own environments without counselors and RA's to expel them for bad behavior, promptly resumed such behavior at home and gleefully statussed about it.

That leaves me stuck with the not-so-bad appendix to my writing life. I've found its place, I think, on the literary food chain: it's for one-liners and quick hugs and photos (MUCH better for photos than this place, but I'll still make the effort when I've got something to post), but mainly it's for reconnecting with those who use it rather than something like this form of blogging.

It does have its painful moments, though. In this month-ish time of Facing Book, I'd only had one friend request turned down before yesterday. It was from someone I know from (and only from) LJ, and I understood it completely: I'm way out of her age cohort, she tells a perfectly good tale of her life on her own blog pages, and I really don't need to know what she had for lunch yesterday to add anything to it. But I know the reasons, because she told me. (Here, as it happened.)

Three nights ago, though, Eleanor and I were getting a little silly at home, and I brought out a locally-produced jazz album for sound effect. The silliness turned sad, though, when I remembered that a longago friend of ours was one of the promoters of the band. He was dad to one of Emily's first daycare friends after we moved to Buffalo. She and Em remained close all through preschool and then elementary after-school days, even though they lived in neighboring but different school districts, but after they each went to middle school and they no longer attended programs together, the friendships faded. All of them, including ours with her parents. We'd never been especially close, but the kid's mom was a Long Island transplant like myself and I always considered them all to be kindred spirits.

A random Googling a few years ago brought some sad news- Tim, the father about my own age, had died of a heart attack when Em and her friend were about 11- right after we fell out of touch with them.  I wasn't sure how to respond, years later, and still wasn't until the other night, when a playing of Dirty White Loafers reminded me of Tim and, now firmly implanted in this real-name-social-network universe, I checked to see if his wife was there.

She was. I sent a friend request and as heartfelt a condolence as I could muster.  Two nights later, I checked "friends," and she was gone. On the cruel (sorry) playground at Facebook Elementary School, that meant one thing: "I rejected you, and I don't have to tell you why."

I shouldn't be hurt. Nothing hazarded, nothing gained and all that horseshit. I've WALKED by their house on the way to service appointments on our cars in the years since the girls were 11 and I never stopped in. Oy, I never called, I never wrote. Still. It'd be nice if this network allowed you to send a line back with an acknowledgement of the effort, and a "yeah, I remember some nice memories, but not here, not now" rather than cold hard decimation of the connection.

Then again, this place serves up ads for Asian Women Seeking Marriage, so I'm pretty sure they're not really concerned about my feelings.

On the bright side, I do now get daily affirmations from some of my oldest friends in the world, which I would not have were it not for this outlet. I'm seeing one for lunch tomorrow- one of those always-in-your-classes kids who was never BFF (not that we would've called it that) but was always kind, and smart, and appreciative of what I contributed to the life of a school. We play Lexulous almost perpetually while she's off from teaching for the summer, and she lives six miles from where I'm planning to be anyway tomorrow, for another, harder case of Absent Friendship.

More on that later. Maybe.

----

One point for recognizing the header, but a five point bonus for explaining why it was so significant in the life of the group associated with it.

Comments

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with your assessment of Facebook. I once equated it to fast food, whereas LJ is a sit-down meal. If I want to get something done quickly or post a bunch of pictures, I usually do it on Facebook. This is where my real, lengthy thoughts come out.

That is kinda ironic that she dropped her Facebook account, however I'm glad that it prompted you to get one, because it's been nice having you there. :-)

[plantmom.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart, I could have told you that would be the result, judging from my interaction with her at the store. I have learned to pretend I don't see her, as she exudes this vibe that says, keep your distance. I follow my instructions.