I am the law of the dance, said he....

[captainsblog]

It was a long and dreary day- out moments past 8, in moments before 7, raining almost the entire time. So it's nice to end the day with a little schadenfreude.

To appreciate it, you have to understand United States legal civil procedure. Put down that axe.  I'll make it simple. It's just a little dance we do; there are variations among systems, and among courts within systems, but the basics can be done in 100 words or less (yes, I will count):

You sue someone by serving a "complaint." If they contest it, they do so by serving an "answer." If they think they have a claim against the suing party over and above the defense, they assert it in a "counterclaim." The original suing party then serves a "reply."

Naturally, there are exceptions, and one is enshrined in the procedural rules for what I'd call the "Medium Claims Court" for upstate New York cities. In their unique practice, counterclaims do NOT have to be replied to. They "shall be deemed denied."

Ninety words, bitches. But not as good as the ones I got to write earlier tonight, responding the the lawyer who wasted my time in a case I filed earlier this year.

The court was one governed by those medium-claim procedural rules. I complained, he answered, he counterclaimed. I did not reply; see above.  After weeks of nothingness, I scheduled the case for trial, certifying, among other things, "All pleadings served."  Dude just filed his own papers, (a) to remove the case from the trial calendar because I had falsely stated, "All pleadings served, " and (b) to enter a default judgment against my client because I hadn't filed a reply.

And so now I get to reply- not to the counterclaim, but to the incompetence.  My letter follows, with my unstated snarkiness in italics:

Dear [oh, let's call him Mikey]:

I received your motion dated October 17, 2012 concerning the note of issue filed in this matter.  I enclose a copy of section 907 of the Uniform City Court Act for your reference. (It's pretty clear you've never seen it before.) I don’t think it could be any clearer in NOT requiring a reply to your counterclaim absent court order.

If you wish to withdraw this motion prior to its return date, and notify the court of same, I will treat this as an oversight and move forward with the progress of the case to trial. (Because, hey, we all fuck up. Just ask Eleanor about my efforts to refurnish a 10-year-old computer.) However, if you require either answering papers or an appearance to oppose the relief sought, I will seek attorneys fees and costs for being required to defend a motion that is frivolous on its face. (So there.)

 Alternatively, I have some settlement authority, so please call me if you wish to discuss that. (He won't.)

Yours, etc.

I also resisted making any references to binders, horses or bayonets.