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"Oh Bother," said Pooh....
May. 2nd, 2021 06:00 pmI had a tooth pulled on Friday.
There are worse things. And on that particular Friday, they couldn't have happened to two nicer guys. /sarcasm
Our first contestant comes to us from the panhandle of Florida, where he's spent the last four-plus years in the US House, polishing his technique at sicking Former President Trump's duck. His hobbies include influence peddling and violating the Mann Act (allegedly). Please welcome, Matt Gaetz!
Dude's been a fish out of water since FPT repaired to his Palm Beach lair earlier this year. There were rumors, which turned into actual federal investigations begun under Bill Barr's Department of Justice /sarcasm, of Gaetz having engaged in sex with minor girls and paid and transported them across state lines to do so. His partner in alleged crime, an even sleazier Florida Man named Joel Greenberg (not the guy of that name who was the brother in law of my former law partner- I checked), who for the past couple of weeks has been dropping dimes on Matt. In a schadenfreudistic twist on the QAnon conspiracy of "Pizzagate" (Hillary and that lot trapping young girls in a DC pizzeria basement to have sex with them, drink their blood and ship them out in Wayfair wardrobes), the hashtag #PizzaGaetz began trending as these charges started to surface. Matt, though, is refusing to even consider the easy way out. He's doubled, quadupled, infinitubbled down on his innocence, blaming it all on a fiendish plot to silence him and claiming his family was being extorted and he was just HELPING THE INVESTIGATION, YEAH THAT'S IT!
The Biden Department of Justice /notsarcasmanymore has not come forward with any documentation of this sting operation. But Joel, who's singing like a canary bird, has leaked some of his own. Apparently in the dwindling days of the last regime, when FPT was passing out/selling off pardons to various felons, swindlers and war criminals, he let it be known through Roger Stone- that old fixer from the past with the Nixon tat and the multiple felony convictions he got pardoned for himself- that the pardon cashier's window was open. The Daily Beast released the texts between Roger and Joel, where Tatman names his price for the pardon; but Rog also requires a list of the specific crimes Joel was looking to be pardoned for-
-and Joel proceeded to sell his little buddy right down the Florida River. PizzaGaetz continues to claim it's all Deep State nonsense, embarking on an America First tour with neighbor state wingnut Marjorie Taylor Greene. Don't worry, Maj; you're too old for him.
----
Then we have our next contestant:
In 2001, you knew him as America's Mayor, but he's now appearing as America's Craziest Lawyer. From the sadly Oscar-ignored appearance of his "chram" in Borat 2, to his famed press conference at Four Seasons Landscape across from the mortuary and sex shop, let's welcome the star of our center ring, Roodles "the Clown" Giuliani!
Mr. G also reached to such high levels of alleged crime that the Department of Justice /thesarcasmisback under Bill Barr was investigating him for his shenanigans in Ukraine as they tried to create a scandal to take down Joe Biden over the previous couple of years. Last week, though, the new occupants of that Department /s-ohyougetit finally approved a search warrant to grab Roodles' records, computers and phones from his swinging bachelor pad. He and his minions, of course, immediately called this out as a corrupt politicization of the investigation process that should never be leveled at someone so close to a holder of high office.
Whereupon, the following reply came from a certain former Watergate prosecutor, First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State three heartbeats (and, later, three million popular votes) from the Presidency (after reporters hushed the cries of LOCK HER UP!):
Hold my eeeeemaillllls.
Friday was bad for Roodles because he chose to go on Fox News the night before and try to Explain It All to his good friend, Mothertucker Carlson. It did not go well:
Giuliani then said that he wasn’t worried about what’s on his phones and laptops because the “evidence is exculpatory” and it proves that “the president and I and all of us are innocent.” In fact, according to Giuliani, “it’s like projection” because it’s the Justice Department that’s “committing the crimes.”
I'M INVESTIGATING THE INVESTIGATORS! I'M NOT THE CRIME YOU'RE THE CRIME! I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?
(He also said something about how all the information is "in the iCloud," which people are making fun of but I won't because apparently I can't figure that shit out, either:P)
----
The biggest concern now is that FPT may have tried issuing unannounced "pocket pardons" to Gaetz and Giuliani (or, for that matter, to himself) in his final hours. Scholars differ on whether these would be effective, either because of their generality or lack of notice. But then, I found myself figuring this morning that the dude is so shameless, he'd think nothing of just issuing these guys pardons from his Mar-a-Whitehouse in exile and hoping his and Bush's six friendly faces on the SCOTUS would uphold them eventually.
But it was earlier today, contemplating these things, that I put it this unfortunate way:
I’m waiting for him to issue pardons to Pizzagaetz and Roodles.
Hmmmm.
Where have I seen those two together before?
Oh.
I felt a filk coming on. And after our first trip to the dog park of the season, a workout with a sound system producing enough feedback to cave in the roof, and an afternoon of assorted household chores and herding of cats, the filk came:
♫They're cold, they’re warm, they grab their chram
They're in the rain or in Ukraine
They have their reasons to go to Four Seasons
They're quick and slick, they're insincere
Beware, Beware, Be a very wary bear
A Pizzagaetz or Roodles is very confoodled
A Pizzagaetz or Roodle’s very sly
- sly - sly - sly
They Tweet and post YouTubells
But if they so choosels
Before your eyes their crazy multiplies
-plies –plies -plies
They’re very much conservative, so you better be altert-ative
Their chrams they come in ever growing size
- size - size - size
If teens are what you covet, you'll find that, they love it
Because they'll guzzle up the thing you prize
They grabs their cocks and gigs on Fox
They're round they're square they're everywhere
They tie the truth in horrible knots
They’ll make you glad we legalized pots!
If you’re Black or Brown they’ll gun you down
And let your murderers back in town
They're far they're near they're gone they're here
They're quick and slick they're insincere
Beware Beware Beware Beware Beware ...♫
Thanks. I'm here all week. Unfortunately, probably so are they:P
There are worse things. And on that particular Friday, they couldn't have happened to two nicer guys. /sarcasm
Our first contestant comes to us from the panhandle of Florida, where he's spent the last four-plus years in the US House, polishing his technique at sicking Former President Trump's duck. His hobbies include influence peddling and violating the Mann Act (allegedly). Please welcome, Matt Gaetz!
Dude's been a fish out of water since FPT repaired to his Palm Beach lair earlier this year. There were rumors, which turned into actual federal investigations begun under Bill Barr's Department of Justice /sarcasm, of Gaetz having engaged in sex with minor girls and paid and transported them across state lines to do so. His partner in alleged crime, an even sleazier Florida Man named Joel Greenberg (not the guy of that name who was the brother in law of my former law partner- I checked), who for the past couple of weeks has been dropping dimes on Matt. In a schadenfreudistic twist on the QAnon conspiracy of "Pizzagate" (Hillary and that lot trapping young girls in a DC pizzeria basement to have sex with them, drink their blood and ship them out in Wayfair wardrobes), the hashtag #PizzaGaetz began trending as these charges started to surface. Matt, though, is refusing to even consider the easy way out. He's doubled, quadupled, infinitubbled down on his innocence, blaming it all on a fiendish plot to silence him and claiming his family was being extorted and he was just HELPING THE INVESTIGATION, YEAH THAT'S IT!
The Biden Department of Justice /notsarcasmanymore has not come forward with any documentation of this sting operation. But Joel, who's singing like a canary bird, has leaked some of his own. Apparently in the dwindling days of the last regime, when FPT was passing out/selling off pardons to various felons, swindlers and war criminals, he let it be known through Roger Stone- that old fixer from the past with the Nixon tat and the multiple felony convictions he got pardoned for himself- that the pardon cashier's window was open. The Daily Beast released the texts between Roger and Joel, where Tatman names his price for the pardon; but Rog also requires a list of the specific crimes Joel was looking to be pardoned for-
-and Joel proceeded to sell his little buddy right down the Florida River. PizzaGaetz continues to claim it's all Deep State nonsense, embarking on an America First tour with neighbor state wingnut Marjorie Taylor Greene. Don't worry, Maj; you're too old for him.
----
Then we have our next contestant:
In 2001, you knew him as America's Mayor, but he's now appearing as America's Craziest Lawyer. From the sadly Oscar-ignored appearance of his "chram" in Borat 2, to his famed press conference at Four Seasons Landscape across from the mortuary and sex shop, let's welcome the star of our center ring, Roodles "the Clown" Giuliani!
Mr. G also reached to such high levels of alleged crime that the Department of Justice /thesarcasmisback under Bill Barr was investigating him for his shenanigans in Ukraine as they tried to create a scandal to take down Joe Biden over the previous couple of years. Last week, though, the new occupants of that Department /s-ohyougetit finally approved a search warrant to grab Roodles' records, computers and phones from his swinging bachelor pad. He and his minions, of course, immediately called this out as a corrupt politicization of the investigation process that should never be leveled at someone so close to a holder of high office.
Whereupon, the following reply came from a certain former Watergate prosecutor, First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State three heartbeats (and, later, three million popular votes) from the Presidency (after reporters hushed the cries of LOCK HER UP!):
Hold my eeeeemaillllls.
Friday was bad for Roodles because he chose to go on Fox News the night before and try to Explain It All to his good friend, Mothertucker Carlson. It did not go well:
Giuliani then said that he wasn’t worried about what’s on his phones and laptops because the “evidence is exculpatory” and it proves that “the president and I and all of us are innocent.” In fact, according to Giuliani, “it’s like projection” because it’s the Justice Department that’s “committing the crimes.”
I'M INVESTIGATING THE INVESTIGATORS! I'M NOT THE CRIME YOU'RE THE CRIME! I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?
(He also said something about how all the information is "in the iCloud," which people are making fun of but I won't because apparently I can't figure that shit out, either:P)
----
The biggest concern now is that FPT may have tried issuing unannounced "pocket pardons" to Gaetz and Giuliani (or, for that matter, to himself) in his final hours. Scholars differ on whether these would be effective, either because of their generality or lack of notice. But then, I found myself figuring this morning that the dude is so shameless, he'd think nothing of just issuing these guys pardons from his Mar-a-Whitehouse in exile and hoping his and Bush's six friendly faces on the SCOTUS would uphold them eventually.
But it was earlier today, contemplating these things, that I put it this unfortunate way:
I’m waiting for him to issue pardons to Pizzagaetz and Roodles.
Hmmmm.
Where have I seen those two together before?
Oh.
I felt a filk coming on. And after our first trip to the dog park of the season, a workout with a sound system producing enough feedback to cave in the roof, and an afternoon of assorted household chores and herding of cats, the filk came:
♫They're cold, they’re warm, they grab their chram
They're in the rain or in Ukraine
They have their reasons to go to Four Seasons
They're quick and slick, they're insincere
Beware, Beware, Be a very wary bear
A Pizzagaetz or Roodles is very confoodled
A Pizzagaetz or Roodle’s very sly
- sly - sly - sly
They Tweet and post YouTubells
But if they so choosels
Before your eyes their crazy multiplies
-plies –plies -plies
They’re very much conservative, so you better be altert-ative
Their chrams they come in ever growing size
- size - size - size
If teens are what you covet, you'll find that, they love it
Because they'll guzzle up the thing you prize
They grabs their cocks and gigs on Fox
They're round they're square they're everywhere
They tie the truth in horrible knots
They’ll make you glad we legalized pots!
If you’re Black or Brown they’ll gun you down
And let your murderers back in town
They're far they're near they're gone they're here
They're quick and slick they're insincere
Beware Beware Beware Beware Beware ...♫
Thanks. I'm here all week. Unfortunately, probably so are they:P