The Daily Prophet- Cheap One-Line Muggle Joke Edition

[captainsblog]

Tammy Faye Bakker Dies

Stock analysts issued an "Urgent Warning" downgrading shares of Mary Kay Cosmetics to "Worthless."

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Five Polyps Removed from Bush's Ass

Dick Cheney immediately convened a meeting of the Joint Chiefs and began laying in plans for a senseless invasion of Polypia.

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Oxycontin Maker and Executives Fined $634.5 Million

Now-retired CEO Michael Freedman was followed down the courthouse steps by a weeping Rush Limbaugh, who kept uttering, "I just can't quit you."

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College Application Evacuates Illinois University Building

"There was no return address, it was poorly written, poorly addressed to the university, there were misspellings," according to an Eastern Illinois spokesperson. After x-raying, the applying student's package was transferred by bomb squad to Ohio State, where the applicant was offered a full four-year football scholarship.

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Fox Attacks Maryland Restaurant Worker

Salisbury police promptly arrested Bill O'Reilly and held him in a reinforced cage to protect other jailed inmates from rabies.

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Back to more HP-inspired weird dreams....