This Marriage Cannot Be Saved

LOS ANGELES (RayP)-- Jesus Christ, founder of Christianity and the Son of God, filed for divorce today from His Church, the "Bride of Christ," citing "irreconcilable differences."

The petition, filed early today in a California Superior Court, sought permanent custody of His true Children, a temporary support order directing His Bride to "feed my sheep," and an injunction against further misuse of the Church's married name of "Christian" or any denominational variants on it.

In a statement issued by His matrimonial attorney Marvin Mitchelson (who was previously reported to be dead, not an obstacle for a Deity seeking the finest legal representation), "The Lord chose this drastic action only after the latest in a series of stupid moves by followers claiming to be acting in His name. 'I've done the trial separation thing before,' He said. 'The longest one lasted until 1517, and we seemed to be making good progress in therapy for a few centuries there, but Hell. First the Irish violence, then tolerating Hitler, and now this.'"

The news referred to at the end of Christ's statement was apparently that reported earlier this week, of a Hindu chaplain being chased from the U.S. Senate floor by fundamentalist extremists calling his appearance there "an abomination" and demanding that only Christian prayers be offered in the invocation of the body's business.

Thought at first to be only the work of a small band of nutters, Christ was even more disturbed to learn that their appearance was outwardly encouraged by many leaders of the religious right, chief among them Bush confidant Donald Wildmon, whose American Family Association site put forth this earlier release in opposition to the prayerful invocation by a polytheisic clergyman:

WallBuilders president David Barton is questioning why the U.S. government is seeking the invocation of a non-monotheistic god. Barton points out that since Hindus worship multiple gods, the prayer will be completely outside the American paradigm, flying in the face of the American motto "One Nation Under God. In Hindu, you have not one God, but many, many, many, many, many gods," the Christian historian explains. "And certainly that was never in the minds of those who did the Constitution, did the Declaration [of Independence] when they talked about Creator -- that's not one that fits here because we don't know which creator we're talking about within the Hindu religion."

Barton says given the fact that Hindus are a tiny constituency of the American public, he questions the motivation of Senate leaders. "This is not a religion that has produced great things in the world," he observes.

"The Mahatma got a real kick out of that last line," Mitchelson reported. "He tried talking my client out of taking this step, reminding Him of the value in turning the other cheek, but even a Deity has so many cheeks left to turn."

The Bride of Christ was reportedly attending a previously scheduled Harry Potter book-burning and could not be reached for comment.